I wonder what most of us would think if our doctor told us we had the Ping Pong virus instead of strep throat. Or in spring time we contracted the April Fool's Virus. It is entirely within the realm of reason that America's comput- ers go unprotected because of the sheer absurdity of the names we attach to each one. Comical names create a comical situation, so no one takes the issue seriously. The Marijuana virus conjures up images of a stoned orgy, and why would a computer care about that. The Fu Manchu virus conjures up the Red Chinese Army crossing the Mississippi, which is clear- ly not the case, so it is ignored. Viruses know no national boundary. The Pakistani virus, the Icelandic, the Israeli, Jerusalem A, Jerusalem B, Jerusalem C, Lehigh, Alameda, Vienna, Czech, Rumanian - I found over 900 current and active viruses that are identified by their reputed place of origin. The Brain virus sounds more sinister than the Stoned Virus, and Friday the 13th viruses are as popular as the movie sequels. The Columbus Day Virus was actually dubbed by its authors as Data Crime, and might have generated more concern if not for the nick- nom-de-plume it inherited. So to fulfill my editor's dream, I will list a few of the more creative virus names. Some were chosen by the programmers, others by the Virus Busters and others yet by the media. See what you think each virus would do to your computer, or when it will strike, merely from the name. The Vatican Virus The Popeye Virus The Garlic Virus The Scrooge Virus Teenage Mutant Ninja Virus The Ides Virus The Quaalude Virus The Amphetamine Virus Super Virus The Tick Tock Virus The String Virus The Black Hole Virus The Stupid Virus Stealth I have a few of my own suggestions for future virus builders. The Jewish Sex Virus (Dials your mother-in-law during a romantic interlude.) The Ronald Reagan Virus (Puts your computer to sleep only in important meetings.) The Pee Wee Herman Virus (Garbage In Garbage Out) The Donald Trump Virus (Makes all of your spread sheets go into the red.) Tomorrow, Viruses from Hell on Geraldo. Namely, this is Scott Mason. * * * * * Tuesday, December 29 Washington, D.C. "Why the hell do I have to find out what's going on in the world from the goddamned papers and CNN instead of from the finest intelligence services in the world?" The President snapped sarcastically while sipping black coffee over his daily collec- tion of U.S. and foreign papers. The early morning ritual of coffee, newspapers and a briefing by Chief of Staff Phil Musgrave provided the day with a smooth start. Usually.