The £1,000,000 bank-note, and other new storiesTwain, Mark
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The £1,000,000 bank-note, and other new stories
Twain, Mark
American essays -- 19th century; American fiction -- 19th century; Humorous stories, American
This author says ‘the Flesh of Swine nourishes above all other
eatables.’ In another place he mentions a number of things, and says
‘these are very easy to be digested; so is Pork.’ This is probably a
lie. But he is pretty handy in that line; and when he hasn’t anything of
the sort in stock himself he gives some other expert an opening. For
instance, under the head of ‘Attractives’ he introduces Paracelsus, who
tells of a nameless ‘Specific’—quantity of it not set down—which is able
to draw a hundred pounds of flesh to itself—distance not stated—and then
proceeds, ‘It happened in our own Days that an Attractive of this Kind
drew a certain Man’s Lungs up into his Mouth, by which he had the
Misfortune to be suffocated.’ This is more than doubtful. In the first
place, his Mouth couldn’t accommodate his Lungs—in fact, his Hat
couldn’t; secondly, his Heart being more eligibly Situated, it would
have got the Start of his Lungs, and being a lighter Body, it would have
Sail’d in ahead and Occupied the Premises; thirdly, you will Take
Notice, a Man with his Heart in his Mouth hasn’t any Room left for his
Lungs—he has got all he can Attend to; and, finally, the Man must have
had the Attractive in his Hat, and when he saw what was going to Happen
he would have Remov’d it and Sat Down on it. Indeed he would; and then
how could it Choke him to Death? I don’t believe the thing ever happened
at all.
Paracelsus adds this effort: ‘I myself saw a Plaister which attracted as
much Water as was sufficient to fill a Cistern; and by these very
Attractives Branches may be torn from Trees; and, which is still more
surprising, a Cow may be carried up into the Air.’ Paracelsus is dead
now; he was always straining himself that way.
They liked a touch of mystery along with their medicine in the olden
time; and the medicine-man of that day, like the medicine-man of our
Indian tribes, did what he could to meet the requirement:
‘_Arcanum._ A Kind of Remedy whose Manner of Preparation, or singular
Efficacy, is industriously concealed, in order to enhance its Value. By
the Chymists it is generally defined a thing secret, incorporeal, and
immortal, which cannot be Known by Man, unless by Experience; for it is
the Virtue of every thing, which operates a thousand times more than the
thing itself.’
To me the butt end of this explanation is not altogether clear. A little
of what they knew about natural history in the early times is exposed
here and there in the _Dictionary_.
‘_The Spider._ It is more common than welcome in Houses. Both the Spider
and its Web are used in Medicine: The Spider is said to avert the
Paroxysms of Fevers, if it be apply’d to the Pulse of the Wrist, or the
Temples; but it is peculiarly recommended against a Quartan, being
enclosed in the Shell of a Hazlenut.
‘Among approved Remedies, I find that the distill’d Water of Black
Spiders is an excellent Cure for Wounds, and that this was one of the
choice Secrets of Sir Walter Raleigh.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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