"From India we sojourned across the great desert, meeting in succession the white-robed Arab, the savage Kurd, the docile Yeeside, and the melancholy Turk. John said we must have a staff, and a score of guides, and no end of menials, and must put on the dignity, or it would not be safe, especially now that Turks and Russians were at war. Mr. Smooth took exceptions to this ruling, preferring to assume the go-ahead, and test the virtue of a hard front, the effects of which he was quite sure would not be entirely lost even among the Arabs. And then, if the Turks and Russians were again at war about holy places--places for which a deal of human blood had been spilt for the mere gratification of a very unholy ambition--Mr. Smooth, on behalf of Young America, might make a dollar or two by the way of proposing a very christian plan for settling the stubborn intricacy. With this best of all motives in view, I left John in the desert, where he said he expected to do some good business, and, what was better, get some good dinners. So, bidding him godspeed, I made straight headway for the point where the pious difficulty had resulted in so much iniquitous blood-shedding. "The fact is, Old Uncle John was at first inclined to make rather spare use of bear's grease to dress his Turkey, an unhealthy bird, scarcely possessing fat enough to cook himself; but, being rather doubtful of his own culinary efficiency, had consented to receive a French cook into the family: and, fearing there might yet be a deficiency, the ever-credulous old dotard was making good-natured overtures to one Joseph of Hapsburg,--never trustworthy, and always known to act as circumstances changed interests,--who said there was no knowing what time he would be ready to turn his attention to such purposes. Joseph, however, was never in his life so willing to play open and shut with John, at the same time giving Nicholas that cunning wink so well understood in all respectable family circles. This game Joseph played, and played, and played, until the credulity of old John seemed like a cooked fish in a pot of porridge. The fact must be confessed that Joseph was so politically dishonest that to be for once honest was tantamount to a great victory over his traditional immorality. Knowing right well the traits of character this Joseph possessed, Jonathan would at short notice lend a willing hand to thrash other morals into his system. However, with a view of leaving this point to be settled by more interested parties, Smooth proceeded to the holy places, where, he regrets to say, he shuddered at the thought of how much human slaughtering it had been the scene--all done for holy causes. Let an impious world forgive those _Little Ones_ who in all ages have lent their aid to stimulate the worst passions!