I feared at first that I might have to sacrifice the rest of my money
as well--money slowly accumulated out of my own labours. And the relief
of finding that this will not be necessary is immense. We must sell our
house at once, and find a smaller one. At present I am not afraid of
the changed circumstances; indeed, if I could only recover my power of
writing, we need not leave our home. The temptation is to get a book
written somehow, because I could make money by any stuff just now. On
the other hand, it will almost be to me a relief to part from the home
so haunted with the memory of Alec--though that will be a dreadful pain
to Maud and Maggie. As far as living more simply goes, that does not
trouble me in the least. I have always been slightly uncomfortable
about the ease and luxury in which we lived. I only wish we had lived
more simply all along, so that I could have put by a little more. I
have told Maud exactly how matters stand, and she acquiesces, though I
can see that, just at this time, the thought of handing over to
strangers the house where we have lived all our married life, the rooms
where Alec and the baby died, is a deep grief to her. To me that is
almost a relief. I have dreaded going back there. To-night I told
Maggie, and she broke out into long weeping. But even so there is
something about the idea of being poor, strange to say, which touches a
sense of romance in the child. She does not realise the poky
restrictions of the new life.
And still stranger to me is the way in which this solid, tangible
trouble seems to have restored my energy and calm. I found myself
clear-headed, able to grasp the business questions which arose, gifted
with a hard lucidity of mind that I did not know I possessed. It is a
relief to get one's teeth into something, to have hard, definite
occupation to distract one; indeed, it hardly seems to me in the light
of a misfortune at present, so much as a blessed tangible problem to be
grappled with and solved. What I should have felt if all had been lost,
and if I had had to resign my liberty, and take up some practical
occupation, I hardly know. I do not think I should even have dreaded
that in my present frame of mind.
September 15, 1889.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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