_N. B.—We have the largest circulation and we can prove it. We always arrange the event to suit the “extra.” Our paper is read; our contemporary is redder. Imitation is the sincerest proof of color blindness. We print all the news that no one else will print. It’s all here and all untrue. If you see it in the Siftings, you may be excused for having your doubts. We cater to the great reading public, not to the Sunday School. There is no hyphenated heaviness in this paper. Our motto: More muck to mix._ _EDITORIAL: AN ELECTION PROPHECY._ Owing to the many claims presented, the Stygian Siftings acknowledges that it is a difficult matter to decide who has been the greatest benefactor to Hell, but we think Nero should be accorded the palm. We say this not because we wish to play favorites, but merely for the sake of harmony, which we believe would be best secured by the selection of Nero, the violinist, at the coming election to fill the position of janitor in the hall of fame. _NERO RECALLED FROM THE CATACOMBS._ (_From the Cimmerian Chatterbox._) We do not reprint legends of the bib and rattle, so we treat our contemporary with the contemptuous silence which it deserves. Its scissor blades are longer than the nose of its editor. A subsidized press, which the Stygian Siftings is known to be, is unworthy of notice. But to the candidate put forth, whose conduct needs careful editing and much blue pencil, we would apostrophize thusly: Nero, your only claim to fame is that you murdered your mother, kicked your wife down stairs and made Rome howl while you painted the town red. Many another man has done all three and only got his picture in the rogues’ gallery and the newspapers in return for his efforts. Nero, put that upon your catgut and play it to the shades of the tunes you have murdered! Nero was born without whiskers and he’s had many a close shave since then. Who was the first shaver? A coupon for a hair cut and a cup of red ink given for the best answer! _THE CANDIDATE SPEAKS._ (_Oration of Nero Stenographically Reported for the Stygian Siftings._) LADIES AND FELLOW-CITIZENS—If it please the ladies, I come to speak in my own behalf and crave your attention and your vote. As there appears to be no other candidate who is so anxious for the office of janitor of the hall of fame and general benefactor of Hades as I, it seems to me that no other qualifications are needed. However, there are some persons who are conceited enough to imagine that they will give me a hard run for my money. Why, fellow-citizens and voters, these men are not even natives of this fair country, the finest the sun forgot to shine upon! ‘Tis true they have been naturalized, but they never can be civilized. They may have push and cheek, but they lack the pull to get there.