The Atlantic Monthly, Volume 04, No. 22, August, 1859: A Magazine of Literature, Art, and PoliticsVarious
Religion
The Atlantic Monthly, Volume 04, No. 22, August, 1859: A Magazine of Literature, Art, and Politics
Various
American periodicals
The Doctor had practised his subtile mental analysis till his
instruments were so fine-pointed and keen-edged that he scarce ever
allowed a flower of sacred emotion to spring in his soul without picking
it to pieces to see if its genera and species were correct. Love,
gratitude, reverence, benevolence,--which all moved in mighty tides in
his soul,--were all compelled to pause midway while he rubbed up his
optical instruments to see whether they were rising in right order.
Mary, on the contrary, had the blessed gift of womanhood,--that vivid
life in the soul and sentiment which resists the chills of analysis, as
a healthful human heart resists cold; yet still, all humbly, she thought
this perhaps was a defect in herself, and therefore, having confessed,
in a depreciating tone, her habits of unanalyzed faith and love, she
added,--
"But, my dear Sir, you are my best friend. I trust you will be faithful
to me. If I am deceiving myself, undeceive me; you cannot be too severe
with me."
"Alas!" said the Doctor, "I fear that I may be only a blind leader of
the blind. What, after all, if I be only a miserable self-deceiver? What
if some thought of self has come in to poison all my prayers and
strivings? It is true, I think,--yes, I _think_," said the Doctor,
speaking very slowly and with intense earnestness,--"I think, that, if I
knew at this moment that my name never would be written among those of
the elect, I could still see God to be infinitely amiable and glorious,
and could feel sure that He _could_ not do me wrong, and that it was
infinitely becoming and right that He should dispose of me according to
His sovereign pleasure. I _think_ so;--but still my deceitful
heart!--after all, I might find it rising in rebellion. Say, my dear
friend, are you sure, that, should you discover yourself to be forever
condemned by His justice, you would not find your heart rising up
against Him?"
"Against _Him_?" said Mary, with a tremulous, sorrowful expression on
her face,--"against my Heavenly Father?"
Her face flushed, and faded; her eyes kindled eagerly, as if she had
something to say, and then grew misty with tears. At last she said,--
"Thank you, my dear, faithful friend! I will think about this; _perhaps_
I may have been deceived. How very difficult it must be to know one's
self perfectly!"
Mary went into her own little room, and sat leaning for a long time with
her elbow on the window-seat, watching the pale shells of the
apple-blossoms as they sailed and fluttered downward into the grass, and
listened to a chippering conversation in which the birds in the nest
above were settling up their small housekeeping accounts for the day.
After a while, she took her pen and wrote the following, which the
Doctor found the next morning lying on his study-table:--
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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