I can't believe now but wut half on't is lies; For who'd thought the North wuz a-goin' to rise, Or take the pervokin'est kin' of a stump, 'Thout't wuz sunthin' ez pressin' ez Gabr'el's las' trump? Or who'd ha' supposed, arter _sech_ swell an' bluster 'Bout the lick-ary-ten-on-ye fighters they'd muster, Raised by hand on briled lightnin', ez op'lent 'z you please In a primitive furrest o' femmily-trees, Who'd ha' thought thet them Southerners ever 'ud show Starns with pedigrees to 'em like theirn to the foe, Or, when the vamosin' come, ever to find Nat'ral masters in front an' mean white folks behind? By ginger, ef I'd ha' known half I know now, When I wuz to Congress, I wouldn't, I swow, Hev let 'em cair on so high-minded an' sarsy, 'Thout _some_ show o' wut you may call vicy-varsy. To be sure, we wuz under a contrac' jes' then To be dreffle forbearin' towards Southun men; We hed to go sheers in preservin' the bellance: An' ez they seemed to feel they wuz wastin' their tellents 'Thout some un to kick, 't warn't more 'n proper, you know, Each should funnish his part; an' sence they found the toe, An' we wuzn't cherubs--wal, we found the buffer, For fear thet the Compromise System should suffer. I wun't say the plan hed n't onpleasant featurs,-- For men are perverse an' onreasonin' creaturs, An' forgit thet in this life 't ain't likely to heppen Their own privit fancy should oltus be cappen,-- But it worked jest ez smooth ez the key of a safe, An' the gret Union bearins played free from all chafe. They warn't hard to suit, ef they hed their own way; An' we (thet is, some on us) made the thing pay: 'T wuz a fair give-an'-take out of Uncle Sam's heap; Ef they took wut warn't theirn, wut we give come ez cheap; The elect gut the offices down to tidewaiter, The people took skinnin' ez mild ez a tater, Seemed to choose who they wanted tu, footed the bills, An' felt kind o' 'z though they wuz havin' their wills, Which kep' 'em ez harmless an' clerfle ez crickets, While all we invested wuz names on the tickets: Wal, ther' 's nothin' for folks fond o' lib'ral consumption, Free o' charge, like democ'acy tempered with gumption!