"Where wicked youths in crowds are stowed He shall unquestioned rule, And have the run of Hackney Road Reformatory School!" [Illustration] [Illustration] THE FIRST LORD'S SONG When I was a lad I served a term As office boy to an Attorney's firm; I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, And I polished up the handle of the big front door. I polished up that handle so successfullee, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! As office boy I made such a mark That they gave me the post of a junior clerk; I served the writs with a smile so bland, And I copied all the letters in a big round hand. I copied all the letters in a hand so free, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! In serving writs I made such a name That an articled clerk I soon became; I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit For the Pass Examination at the Institute: And that Pass Examination did so well for me, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip That they took me into the partnership, And that junior partnership, I ween, Was the only ship that I ever had seen: But that kind of ship so suited me, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! I grew so rich that I was sent By a pocket borough into Parliament; I always voted at my Party's call, And I never thought of thinking for myself at all. I thought so little, they rewarded me, By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be, If you want to rise to the top of the tree-- If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool, Be careful to be guided by this golden rule-- Stick close to your desks and _never go to sea_, And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navee! [Illustration] LITTLE OLIVER EARL JOYCE he was a kind old party Whom nothing ever could put out, Though eighty-two, he still was hearty, Excepting as regarded gout. He had one unexampled daughter, The LADY MINNIE-HAHA JOYCE, Fair MINNIE-HAHA, "Laughing Water," So called from her melodious voice. By Nature planned for lover-capture, Her beauty every heart assailed; The good old nobleman with rapture Observed how widely she prevailed. Aloof from all the lordly flockings Of titled swells who worshipped her, There stood, in pumps and cotton stockings, One humble lover--OLIVER. He was no peer by Fortune petted, His name recalled no bygone age; He was no lordling coronetted-- Alas! he was a simple page! With vain appeals he never bored her, But stood in silent sorrow by-- He knew how fondly he adored her, And knew, alas! how hopelessly! [Illustration]