_His Accomplishments_ No person that I ever knew Could "yödel" half as well as COO, And Highlanders exclaimed, "Eh, weel!" When COO began to dance a reel. [Illustration] _His Kindness to the Pasha's Wives_ He used to dance and sing and play In such an unaffected way, He cheered the unexciting lives Of PASHA BAILEY'S lovely wives. _The Author to his Reader_ But why should I encumber you With histories of MATTHEW COO? Let MATTHEW COO at once take wing.-- 'Tis not of COO I'm going to sing. _The Author's Muse_ Let me recall my wandering Muse She _shall_ be steady if I choose-- She roves, instead of helping me To tell the deeds of BAILEY B. _The Pasha's Visitor_ One morning knocked, at half-past eight, A tall Red Indian at his gate. In Turkey, as you're p'raps aware, Red Indians are extremely rare. _The Visitor's Outfit_ Mocassins decked his graceful legs, His eyes were black, and round as eggs, And on his neck, instead of beads, Hung several Catawampous seeds. _What the Visitor said_ "Ho, ho!" he said, "thou pale-faced one, Poor offspring of an Eastern sun, You've _never_ seen the Red Man skip Upon the banks of Mississip!" _The Author's Moderation_ To say that BAILEY oped his eyes Would feebly paint his great surprise-- To say it almost made him die Would be to paint it much too high. _The Author to his Reader_ But why should I ransack my head To tell you all that Indian said; We'll let the Indian man take wing,-- 'Tis not of him I'm going to sing. _The Reader to the Author_ Come, come, I say, that's quite enough Of this absurd disjointed stuff; Now let's get on to that affair About LIEUTENANT-COLONEL FLARE. [Illustration] LIEUTENANT-COLONEL FLARE The earth has armies plenty, And semi-warlike bands, I dare say there are twenty In European lands; But, oh! in no direction You'd find one to compare In brotherly affection With that of COLONEL FLARE. His soldiers might be rated As military Pearls: As unsophisticated As pretty little girls! They never smoked or ratted, Or talked of Sues or Polls; The Sergeant-Major tatted, The others nursed their dolls. He spent his days in teaching These truly solemn facts; There's little use in preaching, Or circulating tracts. (The vainest plan invented For stifling other creeds, Unless it's supplemented With charitable _deeds_.) He taught his soldiers kindly To give at Hunger's call: "Oh, better far give blindly Than never give at all! Though sympathy be kindled By Imposition's game, Oh, better far be swindled Than smother up its flame!"