"Forgive these yells and cellar-flaps, I'm always thrown in some such state When on his face well-meaning chaps This wretched man congratulate. "For, oh! this face--this pointed chin-- This nose--this brow--these eyeballs too, Have always been the origin Of all the woes I ever knew! "If to the play my way I find, To see a grand Shakespearian piece, I have no rest, no ease of mind Until the author's puppets cease! "Men nudge each other--thus--and say, 'This certainly is SHAKESPEARE'S son,' And merry wags (of course in play) Cry 'Author!' when the piece is done. [Illustration] "In church the people stare at me, Their soul the sermon never binds; I catch them looking round to see, And thoughts of SHAKESPEARE fill their minds. "And sculptors, fraught with cunning wile, Who find it difficult to crown A bust with BROWN'S insipid smile, Or TOMKINS'S unmannered frown, "Yet boldly make my face their own, When (oh, presumption!) they require To animate a paving-stone With SHAKESPEARE'S intellectual fire. "At parties where young ladies gaze, And I attempt to speak my joy, 'Hush, pray,' some lovely creature says, 'The fond illusion don't destroy!' "Whene'er I speak my soul is wrung With these or some such whisperings; ''Tis pity that a SHAKESPEARE'S tongue Should say such un-Shakespearian things!' "I should not thus be criticised Had I a face of common wont: Don't envy me--now, be advised!" And, now I think of it, I don't! [Illustration] [Illustration] THE CONTEMPLATIVE SENTRY When all night long a chap remains On sentry-go, to chase monotony He exercises of his brains, That is, assuming that he's got any. Though never nurtured in the lap Of luxury, yet I admonish you, I am an intellectual chap, And think of things that would astonish you. I often think it's comical How Nature always does contrive That every boy and every gal, That's born into the world alive, Is either a little Liberal, Or else a little Conservative! Fal lal la! [Illustration] When in that house M.P.'s divide, If they've a brain and cerebellum, too, They've got to leave that brain outside, And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to. But then the prospect of a lot Of statesmen, all in close proximity, A-thinking for themselves, is what No man can face with equanimity. Then let's rejoice with loud Fal lal That Nature wisely does contrive That every boy and every gal, That's born into the world alive, Is either a little Liberal, Or else a little Conservative! Fal lal la! [Illustration]