THE JUDGE'S SONG When I, good friends, was called to the Bar, I'd an appetite fresh and hearty, But I was, as many young barristers are, An impecunious party. I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue-- A brief which was brought by a booby-- A couple of shirts and a collar or two, And a ring that looked like a ruby! In Westminster Hall I danced a dance, Like a semi-despondent fury; For I thought I should never hit on a chance Of addressing a British Jury-- But I soon got tired of third-class journeys, And dinners of bread and water; So I fell in love with a rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes, And replied to my fond professions: "You shall reap the reward of your enterprise, At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions. You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, "And a very nice girl you'll find her-- She may very well pass for forty-three In the dusk, with a light behind her!" The rich attorney was as good as his word: The briefs came trooping gaily, And every day my voice was heard At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. All thieves who could my fees afford Relied on my orations, And many a burglar I've restored To his friends and his relations. At length I became as rich as the GURNEYS-- An incubus then I thought her, So I threw over that rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage-- And now, if you please, I'm ready to try This Breach of Promise of Marriage! [Illustration] BRAVE ALUM BEY Oh, big was the bosom of brave ALUM BEY, And also the region that under it lay, In safety and peril remarkably cool, And he dwelt on the banks of the river Stamboul. Each morning he went to his garden, to cull A bunch of zenana or sprig of bul-bul, And offered the bouquet, in exquisite bloom, To BACKSHEESH, the daughter of RAHAT LAKOUM. No maiden like BACKSHEESH could tastily cook A kettle of kismet or joint of tchibouk, As ALUM, brave fellow! sat pensively by, With a bright sympathetic ka-bob in his eye. Stern duty compelled him to leave her one day-- (A ship's supercargo was brave ALUM BEY)-- To pretty young BACKSHEESH he made a salaam, And sailed to the isle of Seringapatam. "O ALUM," said she, "think again, ere you go-- Hareems may arise and Moguls they may blow; You may strike on a fez, or be drowned, which is wuss!" But ALUM embraced her and spoke to her thus: "Cease weeping, fair BACKSHEESH! I willingly swear Cork jackets and trousers I always will wear, And I also throw in a large number of oaths That I never--no, _never_--will take off my clothes!" * * * * *