While they lasted! She had been content, never strong, never able to do
very much, with seclusion before. During the time of his visits she
revelled, rejoiced in it, asking nothing further. While they lasted,
sitting still (Oh, so still), hugging her joy, she didn't think,
wouldn't think, how it might end.
Sometimes, just sometimes, by a merciful providence, things do not end.
She lived for months on the bare chance of its not ending.
Yet, as we know, the end came.
At first while the world called her widowed she sat with her unwidowed
heart waiting for him in the old room, in the old way. Surely now he
would come? She had given good measure of fondness and duty and
friendship--that was only that under another name--to the one who until
now had stood between her and her heart's desire, and parting with him,
and all the associations that went with him, had surprisingly hurt her.
Always frail, she was ill--torn with sorrow and pity--and then, very
slowly again, she recovered. And while she recovered, lying still in
the old way, she gave her heart wings--wild, surging wings--at last, at
last. Sped it forth, forth to bring her joy--to compel it.
While she waited in this fashion a sweet, recaptured sense of
familiarity made his coming seem imminent. She had only to wait and he
would be here. She couldn't have mistaken the looks that had never been
translated into words--that hadn't needed words. Though she had longed
and ached for a word--then--she was quite content now. He had wanted
her just as she was, unashamed and untainted. And to preserve her as
she was he had gone away. And now for the very first time she was truly
glad he had gone in that abrupt, speechless fashion--in spite of the
heartache and the long years between them, really and truly glad.
Nothing had been spoilt; they had snatched at no stolen joys. And the
rapture, (what rapture!) of meeting would blot out all that they had
suffered in silence--the separation--all of it!
As she waited, getting well for him, she had no regrets, growing more
and more sure of his coming.
It was not until she was well again, not until the months had piled
themselves on each other, that, growing more frightened than she knew,
she began her new work of preparation.
* * * * *
Suddenly, impulsively, when she had reached the stage of giving him up
for days at a time, when hope had nearly abandoned her, then he came.
He had left a woman so hopeful in outlook, so young and peaceful in
spirit, that with her the advancing years would not matter. On his
journey back to her, visualising her afresh, touching up his memory of
her, he pictured her going a little grey. That would suit her--grey was
her colour--blending to lavender in the clothes she always wore for
him. A little grey, but her clear, pale skin unfaded, her large eyes
full of pure, guarded secrets--secrets soon to unfold for him alone.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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