No, it was not love I felt, but deep gratitude that an example of
self-sacrifice and devotion should have crushed forever out of me the
impious doubt of the existence of a beneficent Creator. It was to this
I owed my salvation, and as I paced the foggy street I thought of the
daughter toiling for her sick mother. I saw her patient face of
suffering, heard her wistful voice saying: "I will pay you to-morrow;
I have some work to take back." Ah, what a story is here revealed! I
dwelt upon the modesty which caused her to shrink from the
compassionate advances of a stranger, and with tears in my eyes dwelt
also upon the child-like confidence she had reposed in me. She
became to me an incarnation of purity. There were good women in the
world--thank God for that. Through her spirit my faith in human
goodness was restored, and I saw my life in a clearer light, unstained
and unclouded by vice and degradation. Peace, if not happiness, might
yet be mine.
To one course I pledged myself, and vowed that nothing should turn me
from it. I would never live with my wife again; her revolting
duplicities, her shameful debasement, should no longer torture me. I
would be done with her, so far as personal association went, and with
those other relatives who had systematically persecuted me and
maligned me. The infamous law--wickedly and falsely called the law of
God--which bound me to a living curse, to a moral pest, could not
compel me to inhabit the house in which she indulged in her
depravities. Of so much of my fortune as was left she should have a
share, and should receive it through an agent. One visit only would I
pay to what was in mockery called my home, and that for the purpose of
removing my private papers. Then would I shake the dust of that
earthly hell from my feet, and turn my back upon it forever.
To this end I must efface myself, and must be known henceforth by
another name than Fordham. That was easy, and I was stung by no
reproach as to justification. If ever a man was justified in
practising such a deceit it was I.
My musings were interrupted by the unclosing of the street door. The
doctor was there, and Miss Cameron; he was bidding her take some
repose.
"We must not have you break down," he said. "Ah, here is our friend.
The fog has not swallowed him up."
"How can I thank you?" she said to me, holding out her hand. It
trembled as it lay for a moment in mine, and her eyes shone with
tears.
"By following the doctor's advice," I replied, "and by allowing me to
call when I have had some rest myself. Your mother is no worse, I
hope?"
The doctor--one of those sensible practitioners who help their
patients to get well by bright words--answered for her.
"No, not worse, not at all, not at all. With heaven's help we'll set
her up again. There, there, my dear, don't cry; and what are you
about, stopping here in the cold? Go and lie down. I will send the
medicine at nine o'clock."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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