American fiction -- 20th century; Short stories, American
Following my chief’s departure, I continued in idle contemplation of the
shadows. This occupation did not forbid a mental looking up and down of
what would be my next day’s work. The prospect was far from refreshing.
When one is under thirty, a proposal to plunder a girl--a beautiful
girl, doubtless--of her diamonds, does not appeal to one. There would be
woe, tears, lamentations, misery with much wringing of hands. I began to
call myself a villain.
Then, as against her, and defensive of myself, I argued the outlaw
character of the girl’s work. Be she beautiful or be she favored ill,
still she is breaking the law. It was our oath to seize the gems;
whatever of later wrong was acted, at best or worst, it was no wrong
done her. In truth! when she was at last left free and at liberty, she
would be favored beyond her deserts; for those Customs laws which she
was cheating spoke of grates and keys and bars and bolts.
In this wise, and as much as might be, I comforted myself against the
disgrace of an enterprise from which I naturally recoiled, hardening
myself as to the poor girl marked to be our prey. I confess I gained no
great success; say what I might, I contemned myself.
While thus ruminating that dishonor into which I conceived myself to
have fallen, I recalled a story written by Edgar Allen Poe. It is a
sketch wherein a wicked man is ever followed and thwarted by one
who lives his exact semblance in each line of face and form. This
doppel-ganger, as the Germans name him, while the same with himself
in appearance and dress, is his precise opposite in moral nature. This
struggle between the haunted one and his weird, begins in boyhood
and continues till middle age. At the last, frantic under a final
opposition, the haunted one draws sword and slays his enemy. Too late,
as he wipes the blood from his blade, he finds that he has killed
his better self; too late he sees that from that time to the end, the
present will have no hope, the future hold no heaven; that he must sink
and sink and sink, until he is grasped by those hands outstretched of
hell to forever have him for their horrid own. I wondered if I were not
like that man unhappy; I asked if I did not, by these various defenses
and apologies which I made ever for my wickedness, work towards the
death of my better nature whose destruction when it did come would mean
the departure forever of my soul’s chance.
I stood up and shook myself in a canine way. Decidedly, loneliness was
making me morbid! However that may have been, I passed a far from happy
afternoon.
Fairly speaking, these contentions shook me somewhat in my resolves.
There were moments when I determined to refuse my diamond-hunting
commission and resign my place. I even settled the style of my
resignation; it should be full of sarcasm.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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