American fiction -- 20th century; Chicago (Ill.) -- Fiction; Journalists -- Fiction; Marriage -- Fiction
He saw, he heard, across an infinite gulf. He would have liked to stir,
to speak. But he was encased in an icy armour. Nothing of this touched
him.
She sat down on a chair, spilling its burden of clothing to the floor.
“How long,” she asked between clenched teeth, “is this going to go on?”
He did not answer.
“Because,” she said, “I can’t bear it. It’s—it’s worse than the other. I
could have borne that, I think—now. I was really sorry for you, Felix.
But you aren’t sorry for me. I know—I pretended to be a superwoman; and
I’m not. But can’t you forgive me? Can’t you allow me my—my feelings?...
No—you haven’t got any feelings.... Well—I can’t stand this. I can’t
stand it. I—”
His mind came back reluctantly to the scene. He sat down.
“I’m very tired,” he said. “Can’t we stop talking about it?”
She brushed her hand bewilderedly across her forehead. “Why is it?” she
said. “I’m being made to feel like a criminal? Have I done anything?”
He spoke with an effort. “No,” he said. “Everything is all right—I
think. I’m sorry I’m behaving this way. Forgive me if you can. I can’t
help it.”
“Forgive you? For what?”
“For—for thinking you meant it. I should have known.”
She sprang up. “I can’t stay here,” she said. “I must go somewhere to
think things out. I can’t stay here and have you say that to me, over
and over.... Felix, I’m going away somewhere for a while. I’ll come
back, I suppose. But—you see I must go, don’t you?”
“No. But it’s all right.”
He watched her pack her suitcase, still in the strange half-trance which
made him unable to stir. It was as if he were drunk or hypnotized. He
could see that she was going; he knew that he ought to stop her. But it
did not seem to matter.... Only when she was dressed for the journey,
and standing before him to say good-bye, did the numbness begin to
vanish. He was ashamed of himself—ashamed and frightened. He felt that
he had been under the influence of a kind of insanity—for surely that
was the very essence of insanity, to be utterly indifferent to all the
events of the outside world! She did not know, even though she had seen,
how remote from her he had been—how dead to her, how dead to all
reality....
In the sudden uprush of consciousness, as the spell broke, he took her
in his arms, and kissed her and clung to her. “Don’t go!” he cried.
“Don’t go!” He vaguely remembered having told himself that they were
different from other people—different, in that they could do without
each other. What folly! He had thought himself strong, self-sufficient.
He was the weakest, loneliest, most helpless person in the world. “Don’t
go, Rose-Ann!”
But she was hard now, though his pleading moved her. She kissed him
wildly. “I will come back,” she said. “I think I shall. But I must be by
myself. I must.” And she tore herself from his arms, and left the
studio.
He flung himself on the floor and cried, like a broken-hearted child.
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Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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