“Yes! I have made up my mind; it is better than leaving it to the
common hangman of this besotted country. I know what to expect in
enlightened England: either a death unfit for a dog, or existence worse
than death in a criminal lunatic asylum. I prefer my own peculiar
quietus; it has stood on my table all night long, ready and pointed at
my heart; a hand upon the door, a step behind me, and I should have
rolled over dead at their feet. So it will be if even now they are
waiting for me outside; but, if not, I know where to go, where already
it is broad daylight, where the wide open space will quicken and
enhance every ray, and the broad river multiply the sun by a million
facets of living fire. It is not the light that will fail me, there;
and as I have served others, so also will I serve myself, and it may be
with better fortune than they have brought me. Who knows? It would be
in keeping with the poetic ironies of this existence. At all events,
unless waylaid at once, I am giving it a chance. I shall place the
camera on the parapet of the Embankment. I have fitted the shutter with
a specially long pneumatic tube, and the bulb will do its double work
as usual when my fingers relax. I have long had it all in my mind. I
have written full instructions on the envelope which I shall stick by
the flap to the open slide; if we are found by a reasonably intelligent
person, the slide will be shut, and the camera handed over bodily to
the police. They, I think, may be trusted to honour one’s last
instructions, if only out of curiosity; their eyes will be the first to
read what I fear they will describe as my ‘full confession.’ Well, it
is ‘full,’ and the substantive must be left to them. So long as the
document does not fall into one little pair of gentle hands, I shall
lie easy in whatever ignominious grave they lay me. That is why I hide
it where I do: since, if it fell first into those hands, it would never
see the light at all.”
There was a little more, but Phillida suddenly snatched the MS. away,
and wept over the end, bitterly, and yet not altogether in bitterness,
while Pocket picked up the camera and set it back in its place on the
muddy newspaper. Phillida folded up the packet, and after a moment’s
hesitation went away with it, jingling keys in her other hand. On her
return she stood petrified on the threshold.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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