Afterwards, when Maggie looked back she was baffled. She tried to
disentangle the events between that moment when Grace, holding the lamp
in her hand, blinked at them as they came across the lawn, and that
other most awful moment when, in Paul's study, Grace declared final and
irrevocable war.
Between those two events ran the history of more than two years, and
there was nothing stranger than the way that the scene in the garden
and the scene in the study seemed to Maggie to be close together. What
were the steps, she used to ask herself afterwards, that led to those
last months of fury and tragedy and disaster? Was it my fault? Was it
hers? Was it Paul's? What happened? If I had not done this or that, if
Grace had not said--no, it was hopeless. She would break off in
despair. Isolated scenes appeared before her, always bound, on either
side, by that prologue and that finale, but the scenes would not form a
chain. She could not connect; she would remain until the end bewildered
as to Grace's motives. She never, until the day of her death, was to
understand Grace.
"She was angry for such little things," she said afterwards.
"She hated me to be myself." The two years in retrospect seemed to have
passed with incredible swiftness, the months that followed them were
heavy and slow with trouble. But from the very first, that is, from the
moment when Grace saw Paul kiss Maggie in the evening garden, battle
was declared. Maggie might not know it, but it was so-and Grace knew it
very well.
It may be said, however, in Grace's defence that she gave Maggie every
chance. She marvelled at her own patience. For two years after that
moment, when she decided that Maggie was "queer," and that her beloved
Paul was in real danger of his losing his soul because of that
"queerness," she held her hand. She was not naturally a patient
woman-she was not introspective enough to be that--and she held no
brief for Maggie. Nevertheless for two whole years she held her hand...
They were, all three, in that ugly house, figures moving in the dark.
Grace simply knew, as the months passed, that she disliked and feared
Maggie more and more; Paul knew that as the months passed--well, what
he knew will appear in the following pages. And Maggie? She only knew
that it needed all her endurance and stubborn will to force herself to
accept this life as her life. She must-she must. To give way meant to
run away, and to run away meant to long for what she could not have,
and loneliness and defeat. She would make this into a success; she
would care for Paul although she could not give him all that he needed.
She would and she could... Every morning as she lay awake in the big
double-bed with the brass knobs at the bed-foot winking at her in the
early light she vowed that she would justify her acceptance of the man
who lay sleeping so peacefully beside her. Poor child, her battle with
Grace was to teach her how far her will and endurance could carry her...
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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