"My history?"--she laughed. "I have none, or what I have has already
been told you. My face is my history, my heavy eye-brows and the
shadow on my upper lip are my destiny. My father happened to look as I
do, and was considered a stately, interesting man. But I should have
been wiser to choose the face of my mother, who was by no means filmed
for her beauty, but must have been exactly what I am not, a thorough
woman. At least she made all sorts of innocent conquests. I, on the
contrary, though I was neither stupid nor had unwomanly manners--I
mean when I was a young girl; for I now go about boldly, like an old
student--although my talents early attracted attention among my
father's colleagues--he was one of the court musicians,--never made a
conquest in all my life. That is, I might have married two or three
times; but it was for very different reasons than love. One wanted to
give concerts with me, another, who was an elderly man and tired of his
bachelor life, needed a housekeeper, and that she should be ill-favored
he rather preferred than otherwise. He thought he would be all the more
sure of her faithfulness and self-sacrificing gratitude, in return for
his making her a married woman. The third--but why should I tell you
these disgusting tales, which at first deeply humiliated me. And though
I might have learned from them what my mirror had not then taught me, I
was mad enough always to select as the objects of my secret adoration,
the handsomest, most agreeable, and most admired men, who never cast a
glance at me. I had artist's blood in my veins, I could not help being
filled with enthusiasm about everything that was lovable, charming, and
distinguished, even if my heart should burst in consequence. But now I
have reached my thirty-fourth year; youth with its foolish desires for
love-sorrows, yearnings, anxieties, and honey that turns to gall, may
well have raved itself calm. Do you wish to know more of my story? I am
very sorry; but unfortunately I have nothing to tell of love
adventures, broken vows, wanderings from the path of virtue.
Unfortunately, I say. They would have made a change in the dreary grey
of my days and years, a few blood red spots, a stain effaced with
thousands of tears. Instead of that, I'm an old maid in the fullest
sense of the word, and your 'magic of sin' has no power over my
beggarly pride. Can you even imagine a bright, interesting, exciting
romance with such a frontispiece?"--She suddenly removed the green
shade and raised the little lamp to her face, which she turned full
upon him in the bright glare.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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