What had she been forced to hear! Although indignant at the art with
which the gloomy fanatic blended the highest with the basest things,
the divinest impulses with the maddest desires, striving with subtle
boldness to lull to sleep the pure voice of the soul: was it not
passion, she asked herself, that blazed within him, the language of
unbridled love, which risks all to attain its object, and summons hell
as well as heaven to its aid? Then she was not too repulsive to kindle
such a fire, there was one man who would dare all for her, whom neither
her hatred nor abhorrence could restrain from persecuting her with his
ardent longings! From the chill in which she had shivered during her
long walk through the misty night, into what a fiery gulf was she now
hurled! or no, not yet into the blazing abyss, but the flames that rose
from it were near enough to make her gasp for breath. She could not sit
still in her chair, the air was so oppressively sultry; she opened the
window, but instantly closed it again, as the fog, cold and damp as the
atmosphere of a tomb, floated into the room making her shiver. Long
before this the little fire in the stove had gone out, now the lamp
failed also. She was in darkness, but she did not heed it. Pacing to
and fro, absorbed in a chaos of thoughts, she mechanically loosened one
article of clothing after another, letting each lie, where it fell.
While thus groping about, she found herself beside her bed and sank
down upon it. "To sleep!" she said aloud, and started at the sound of
her own voice, then hastily cowered under the quilt as if for
concealment. But she could not close her eyes; they burned too
painfully after the long walk through the foggy night. She could not
banish from her thoughts the eyes of the dangerous man she had just
driven away; nothing availed her; they flashed upon her everywhere,
even from the darkness and through her closed lids. In her terror she
tried to banish the spectre by a spell which had never yet failed her,
by conjuring up Edwin's form before her mind. Now even this was
useless: with all her efforts, she could not recall the features that
were usually so distinct; but Toinette's lovely face suddenly came
uppermost in her mind, so bright and smiling that she felt a sharp
pang, and drew the coverlid over her eyes to shut out the memory. The
next instant she again threw it back, raised her head from the pillow
and sat up, as if suffocating. A weary moan escaped her lips, she threw
her bare arm over her face and buried her teeth in her own flesh until
the keen agony recalled her to consciousness.
"He was right," she said to herself, "there is but one magic, the magic
of sin. A God now, to whom one could pray: Deliver us from evil--but a
God, who must first be implored--!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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