The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures, Bons Mots, Puns, and Hoaxes of Theodore HookHook, Theodore Edward
General
The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures, Bons Mots, Puns, and Hoaxes of Theodore Hook
Hook, Theodore Edward
English wit and humor
28.--Looks at matrimony as desirable in the way of an establishment,
in case of the death of her uncle--leaves off dancing
generally--talks of getting old.
29.--Same system--still ineffective--still talks of getting
aged--surprised that men do not laugh as they did, when she said so a
year or two before.
30.--Begins to inquire when a spinster becomes an old maid.
31.--Dresses more fantastically than ever--rouges a
little--country-house not so agreeable as it used to be--goes
everywhere in town--becomes good-natured to young girls, and joins in
acting charades and dumb proverbs.
32.--Hates balls, or, if she goes to them, likes to sit still and
talk to clever middle-aged gentlemen.
33.--Wonders why men of sense prefer flirting with girls to the
enjoyment of rational conversation with sensible women.
34.--Uncle dies--break-up of establishment--remains with her
aunt--feels old enough to go about without a chaperon.
35.--Takes to cards, where they are played--gives up harp,
pianoforte, and singing--beaten out of the field by her juniors.
36.--Quarrels with her cousin, who is just married to the prize
Marquess of the season--goes into Wales on a visit to a distant
relation.
37.--Returns to London--tries society--fancies herself neglected, and
"never goes out"--makes up little tea-parties at her aunt's--very
pleasant to everybody else, but never satisfactory to herself.
38.--Feels delight in recounting all the unhappy marriages she can
recollect--takes a boy out of an orphan-school, dresses him up in a
green jacket, with three rows of sugar-loaf buttons, and calls him a
page--patronizes a poet.
39.--Gets fractious--resolves upon making the best of it--turns
gourmand--goes to every dinner to which she either is or is not
invited--relishes port wine; laughs at it as a good joke--stays in
London all the year.
40.--Spasmodic--camphor-julep--a little more rouge--fancies herself
in love with a Captain in the Guards--lets him know it--he not
susceptible--she uncommonly angry--makes up a horrid story about him
and some poor innocent girl of her acquaintance--they are eternally
separated by her means--she happy.
41.--Takes to wearing "a front"--port wine gets more popular--avows
a resolution never to marry--who would sacrifice her liberty?--quite
sure she has seen enough of that sort of thing--Umph!
42.--Turns moralist--is shocked at the vices of the
world--establishes a school out of the produce of a fancy
fair--subscribes--consults with the rector--excellent man--he
endeavours to dissuade her from an extravagant course of proceeding
which she has adopted--her regard turns to hate, and she puts herself
under the spiritual guidance of a Ranter.
43.--Learns the Unknown Tongues, and likes them--sees none of her
old friends--continues during the whole season enveloped in her new
devotions.--Her page, having outgrown his green inexpressibles, is
dismissed at the desire of her new pastor.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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