“Father Storm is to follow Father Damien. That's the report, at all
events; but he is expected to make a statement at his club to-night, and
I have to be there for the paper.”
As soon as dinner was over Rosa went off to Soho, and then Glory was
brought back with a shock to the agony of her inward struggle. She
knew that her hour had arrived, and that on her action now everything
depended. She knew that she could never break the chains by which the
world and her profession held her. She knew that the other woman had
come, that she must go with her, and go for good. But the renunciation
of love was terrible. The day had been soft and beautiful. It was
falling asleep and yawning now, with a drowsy breeze that shook the
yellow leaves as they hung withered and closed on the thinning boughs
like the fingers of an old maid's hand. She was sitting at the desk by
the window, trying to write a letter. More than once she tore up the
sheet, dried her eyes, and began again. What she wrote last was this:
“It is impossible, dear John. I can not go with you to the South Seas.
I have struggled, but I can not, I can not! It is the greatest, noblest,
sublimest mission in the world, but I am not the woman for these high
tasks. I should be only a fruitless fig tree, a sham, a hypocrite. It
would be like taking a dead body with you to take me, for my heart would
not be there. You would find that out, dear, and I should be ashamed.
“And then I can not leave this life--I can not give up London. I am like
a child--I like the bustling streets, the brilliant thoroughfares, the
crowds, the bands of music, the lights at night, and the sense of
life. I like to succeed, too, and to be admired, and--yes, to hear the
clapping of hands in a theatre. You are above all this, and can look
down at it as dross, and I like you for that also. But give it all up
I can't; I haven't the strength; it is in my blood, dear, and if I part
from it I must die.
“And then I like to be fondled and coaxed and kissed, and I want so
much--oh, so much to be loved! I want somebody to tell me every day
and always how much he loves me, and to praise me and pet me and forget
everything else for me, everything, everything, even his own soul and
salvation! You can not do that; it would be sinful, and besides it
wouldn't be love as you understand it, and as it ought to be, if you are
to go out to that solemn and awful task.
“When I said I loved you I spoke the truth, dear, and yet I didn't know
what the word meant really, I didn't realize everything. I love you
still--with all my heart and soul I love you; but now I know that there
is a difference between us, that we can never come together. No, I can
not reach up to your austere heights. I am so weak; you are so strong.
Your 'strength is as the strength of ten because your heart is pure,'
while I----
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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