"That is why, my friends, I am withdrawing certina, and turning to fresh
fields; if I may say so, fields of more genteel endeavor. Certina has
made millions. It could still make millions. I could sell out for
millions to-day. But, in the words of the sweet singer, I come to bury
it, not to praise it. Certina has done its grand work. The day of
medicine is almost over. Interfering laws are being passed. The public
is getting suspicious of drugs. Whether this is just or unjust is not
the question which I am considering. I've always wanted my business to
be high-class. You can't run a high-class business when the public is on
to you.
"Don't think, any of you, that I'm going to retire and leave you in the
lurch. No. I'm looking ahead, for you as well as for me. What's the
newest thing in science? Foods! Specific foods, to build up the system.
That's the big thing of the future here in America. We're a tired
nation, a nerve-wracked nation, a brain-fagged nation. Suppose a man
could say to the public, 'Get as tired as you like. Work to your limit.
Play to your limit. Go the pace. When you're worn out, come to us and
we'll repair the waste for a few dollars. We've got a food--no drugs, no
medicines--that builds up brain and nerve as good as new. The greatest
authorities in the world agree on it.' Is there any limit to the
business that food could do?
"Well, I've got it! And I've got the backing for it. Mr. Belford Couch
will tell you of our testimonials. Tell 'em the whole thing, Bel: we're
all one family here."
"I've been huntin' in Europe," said Certina Charley, rising, in accents
of pardonable pride: "and I've got the hottest bunch of signed stuff
ever. You all know how hard it is to get any medical testimonials here.
They're all afraid, except a few down-and-outers. Well, there's none of
that in Europe. They'll stand for any kind of advertising, so long as
it's published only in the United States--provided they get their price.
And it ain't such an awful price either. _I got the Emperor's own
physician for one thousand five hundred dollars cash_. And a line of
court doctors and swell university professors anywhere from one thousand
dollars way down to one hundred. It's the biggest testimonial stunt ever
pulled."
"And every mother's son of 'em," put in Dr. Surtaine, "staking a
high-toned scientific reputation that the one sure, unfailing, reliable
upbuilder for brain-workers, nervous folks, tired-out, or broken-down
folks of any kind at all is"--here Dr. Surtaine paused, looked about his
entranced audience, and delivered himself of his climax in a voice of
thunder:
"CEREBREAD!"
The word passed from mouth to mouth, in accents of experimentation,
admiration, and acceptance.
"Cere, from cerebellum, the brain, and bread the universal food. I doped
it out myself, and as soon as I hit on it I shipped Belford Couch
straight to Europe to get the backing. I wouldn't take a million for
that name, to-day.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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