The Clean HeartHutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth)
Science
The Clean Heart
Hutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth)
Authors -- Fiction; Happiness -- Fiction
Lost her! He knows it. He feels it. There is something in her
simple, plaintive exclamations, in her "I couldn't, couldn't, dear,"
in her abandonment to belief that he cannot love her--there is some
damned, numbing essence in it that emanates as it were from her
spirit and thus informs him; and thus informing him, numbs and dumbs
his own. Lost her! And cannot combat it. Lost her! And has no
words, no help. Fury beginning in him. Fury at his impotence
mounting within him. Return to life! By God, by God, to lose it!
"Essie, will you let me go, then? Now? For ever? You can't. All
our love? All our happiness we're going to have?"
"Oh, didn't I think you loved me truly!"
Fury within him. That maddening iteration of her maddening cry! He
can scarcely retain his fury. He chokes it back. He is hoarse as he
grinds out words. "Think of us in a little house like we've planned."
"I couldn't, dear, I couldn't!"
"Think how we'll have everything we want!"
"Oh, I can't bear to hear you tempting me!"
Fury in a storm breaks out of him. "Oh!" he cries and makes a savage
action with his arms that thrusts her from him. "Oh, for God
Almighty's sake, don't drag the Bible into it!"
She says: "Arthur!"
He gets violently to his feet, his hands clenched, and makes again
that savage, breaking action of his arms, and cries at her:
"Temptation and sin and rubbish, rubbish, like that! Let it alone!
If you don't love me, say so! If you're going to let me go, say so!
Don't drag the Bible into it! If you don't love me, say so, say so,
say so!"
"Arthur, you know I love you. You don't love me, dear!"
A last effort. A last control of his fury. He turns to her.
"Essie, I can't live without you. Essie! Essie!"
"Oh, you couldn't love me to ask me to live in sin!"
That ends it. That expression--its beastly and vulgar piety, its
common, vulgar phraseology--sweeps across his fury as in a rasping
shudder of abhorrence. He breaks his fury out upon it. He bursts
out: "By God, you're common, common! Do you think I'd marry
you--you? What do you think you are? Who do you think I am? Marry
you! Marry you! Let's get out of this! Let's go home, and you can
tell your father and your mother!"
Return to life! Gone, gone! Lost, lost! He was shaking with hate
and shaking with utter fury. He walked to the door and staggered as
he walked and must stop and correct his direction as though he were
drunken. At the door he turned to her and saw that she remained
seated, leaning back against the window, her hands clasped. He
cried: "Are you coming? Are you coming?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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