The Clicking of CuthbertWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
The Clicking of Cuthbert
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Golf stories; Humorous stories
I was revolted. About that time a perfect epidemic of freak matches had
broken out in the club, and I had strongly opposed them from the start.
George Willis had begun it by playing a medal round with the pro.,
George's first nine against the pro.'s complete eighteen. After that
came the contest between Herbert Widgeon and Montague Brown, the
latter, a twenty-four handicap man, being entitled to shout "Boo!"
three times during the round at moments selected by himself. There had
been many more of these degrading travesties on the sacred game, and I
had writhed to see them. Playing freak golf-matches is to my mind like
ragging a great classical melody. But of the whole collection this one,
considering the sentimental interest and the magnitude of the stakes,
seemed to me the most terrible. My face, I imagine, betrayed my
disgust, for Bingham attempted extenuation.
"It's the only way," he said. "You know how Jukes and I are on the
links. We are as level as two men can be. This, of course is due to his
extraordinary luck. Everybody knows that he is the world's champion
fluker. I, on the other hand, invariably have the worst luck. The
consequence is that in an ordinary round it is always a toss-up which
of us wins. The test we propose will eliminate luck. After sixteen
miles of give-and-take play, I am certain--that is to say, the better
man is certain to be ahead. That is what I meant when I said that
Arthur Jukes would shortly be leaving Leigh. Well, may I take it that
you will consent to act as one of the judges?"
I considered. After all, the match was likely to be historic, and one
always feels tempted to hand one's name down to posterity.
"Very well," I said.
"Excellent. You will have to keep a sharp eye on Jukes, I need scarcely
remind you. You will, of course, carry a book of the rules in your
pocket and refer to them when you wish to refresh your memory. We start
at daybreak, for, if we put it off till later, the course at the other
end might be somewhat congested when we reached it. We want to avoid
publicity as far as possible. If I took a full iron and hit a
policeman, it would excite a remark."
"It would. I can tell you the exact remark which it would excite."
"We will take bicycles with us, to minimize the fatigue of covering the
distance. Well, I am glad that we have your co-operation. At daybreak
tomorrow on the first tee, and don't forget to bring your rule-book."
* * * * *
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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