The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 10: The OpinionatorBierce, Ambrose
General
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 10: The Opinionator
Bierce, Ambrose
American essays; American literature
The effect of the new industry upon commerce cannot be accurately
foreseen, but it is natural to suppose that it will largely increase
the importation of lowgrade cattle from South America. Hitherto it has
not been profitable to import any that were unfit for beef. But if the
_Bos inedibilis_, the milkless crowbait and other varieties “not too
good for human nature’s daily food”—in fact not good enough—can be
laid down in New York or New Orleans at a cost of not more than thirty
dollars each, including the purchase price of ten cents, and inoculated
before they have eaten their heads off, there would seem to be a
reasonable margin of profit in the traffic. If not, the legal allowance
for their condemnation and slaughter can be easily increased by
legislative action. If Congress will do nothing to encourage capital in
that direction the States most benefited by this extension of American
commerce can respond to the demand of the hour with a judicious
system of bounties. Importation of cheap foreign cattle eligible to
pleuro-pneumonia and the junior disorder will provide employment to a
great number of persons who, without apt appropriation’s artful aid,
might languish on farms and in workshops, a burden to the community and
a sore trial to themselves.
THE RURAL PRESS
There will be joy in the household of the country editor what time the
rural mind shall no longer crave the unwholesome stimuli provided by
composing accounts of corpulent beetroots, bloated pumpkins, dropsical
melons, aspiring maize, and precocious cabbages. Then the bucolic
journalist shall have surcease of toil, and may go out upon the meads
to frisk with kindred lambs, frolic familiarly with loose-jointed colts
and exchange grave gambolings with solemn cows. Then shall the voice
of the press, no longer attuned to praise of the vegetable kingdom,
find a more humble but not less useful employment in calling the animal
kingdom to the evening meal beneath the sanctum window.
To the overworked editor life will have a fresh zest, a new and
quickening significance. The hills shall seem to hump more greenly up
to a bluer sky, the fields to blush with a tenderer sunshine. He will
go forth at dawn executing countless flip-flaps of gymnastic joy; and
when the white sun shall redden with the blood of dying day, and the
pigs shall set up a fine evening hymn of supplication to the Giver
of All Swill he will be jubilant in the editorial feet, blissfully
conscious that the editorial intellect is a-ripening for the morrow’s
work.
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