The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 11: AntepenultimataBierce, Ambrose
General
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 11: Antepenultimata
Bierce, Ambrose
American essays; American literature
Mr. Smith avers with obvious satisfaction that in Liege twice as many
draught dogs as horses are seen in the streets, attached to vehicles.
He regards “a gaily painted cart” drawn by “a well fed dog” and driven
by a well fed (and gaily painted) woman as a “pleasing vision.” I do
not; I should prefer to see the dog sitting at the receipt of steaks
and chops and the lady devoting herself to the amelioration of the
condition of the universe and the manufacture of poetry and stories
that are not true. A more pleasing vision, too, one endeared to eye
and heart by immemorial use and wont, is that of stranger and dog
indulging in the pleasures of the chase—stranger a little ahead—while
the woman in the case manifests a characteristically compassionate
solicitude lest the gentleman’s trousers do not match Fido’s mustache.
It is, indeed, impossible to regard with any degree of approval the
degradation to commercial utility of two so noble animals as Dog and
Woman; and if Man had joined them together by driving-reins I should
hope that God would put them asunder, even if the reins were held
by Dog. There would no doubt be a distinct gain as well as a certain
artistic fitness in unyoking the strong-minded female of our species
from the chariot of progress and yoking her to the apple-cart or
fish-wagon, but imminence of the draughtwoman is not foreshadowed in
the report of our consul at Liege.
Mr. Smith’s estimate of the number of dogs in this country at seven
millions is a moderate one, it must be confessed, and can hardly have
been based on observations by moonlight in a suburban village; his
estimate of the effective strength of the average dog at five hundred
pounds is probably about right, as will be attested by any intelligent
boy who in a campaign against an orchard has experienced detention by
the Cerberus of the place. Taking his own figures, Mr. Smith calculates
that we have in this country three-and-a-half billion pounds of “idle
dog power.” But this statement is more ingenious than ingenuous; it
gives, as doubtless it was intended to give, the impression that we
have only idle dogs, whereas of all mundane forces the domestic dog is
most easily stirred to action. His expense of energy in pursuit of the
harmless, necessary flea, for example, is prodigious; and he is not
infrequently seen in chase of his own tail, with an activity scarcely
inferior. If there is anything worth while in accepted theories of the
conversion and conservation of force these gigantic energies are by no
means wasted; they reappear as heat, light and electricity, modifying
climate, reducing gas bills and assisting in propulsion of street cars.
Even in baying the moon and terrifying visitors and bypassers, the dog
releases a certain amount of vibratory force which through various
mutations of its wave-length may do its part in cooking a steak or
gratifying the olfactory nerve by throwing fresh perfume on the violet.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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