The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and OdditiesThackeray, William Makepeace
Philosophy
The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
Thackeray, William Makepeace
Almanacs, English -- England -- London; English wit and humor
Punctuality is essential to the character of a Gentleman. Early in the
New Year send peremptorily for all your bills. If they do not arrive in
a day or two, send again. By this exactness, you give your tradesmen
confidence, and ensure their civility for some time, in the hope of a
settlement. Having thus prevented any increase of charges, you can pay
at your leisure. I have heard of a gentleman whose aversion to the sight
of paper ruled in money columns had been indulged in as long as was
consistent with his personal safety, who thus addressed a creditor for
whom the _shut sesame_ of "call again" had lost its charm. "After having
for many years neglected my affairs, I have at length awakened to a
sense of my error, and have resolved, by a vigorous system of economy,
to retrieve them. Method, Sir, I now perceive that method is everything.
From this day I set apart a certain portion of my income sacred to the
payment of my debts."—"I am delighted, Sir, to hear of your noble
resolution."—"I have made a schedule of all I owe, and shall begin at
the top and persevere undeviatingly in regular though slow succession
towards the bottom:—so that you see, my dear Mr. Figgins"—"Sir, my name
is Wiggins"—"Wiggins! I had quite forgot; but I am sorry to hear it,
very sorry—for my list is alphabetical. Had it been Figgins, or even
Higgins, there would have been some chance for you, but the W's are so
very low down.—No, I cannot say when I shall reach the W's."
If you wish to refuse the request of an old friend or a poor relation,
but can hardly screw your courage to the sticking-place, put on a pair
of tight shoes, and you will find it perfectly easy.
Never introduce your friends to strangers without their consent, nor
permit such a liberty towards yourself, especially about November. Many
have been entrapped into the hands of John Doe and Richard Roe thereby,
unawares.
Choose rainy days to pay your visits on. You will thus show your
sincerity, and be less likely to miss callers at home. Take your cloak
and hat into the drawing-room—to leave them below would be like one of
the family—but, above all, carry in your umbrella; you have no right to
leave it streaming in another person's hall.
When you visit your maiden aunt, as you value your legacy expectant,
preserve an amiable face, and keep you hands and feet to yourself, while
her favourite tom cat reposes in you the height of his friendship by
looking you full in the face and vigorously stretching himself by the
aid of his ten talons hooked through your tight and tender kerseymeres.
Though you may be a Nabob, or as rich as one, be not too anxious to
parade your black servants before your friends, for both your sakes;
they have, in general, two bad qualities—"stealing and giving odour."—
Shakspeare, hem!
Never marry a widow (unless her first husband was hanged), or she will
be always drawing unpleasant comparisons.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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