The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and OdditiesThackeray, William Makepeace
Philosophy
The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
Thackeray, William Makepeace
Almanacs, English -- England -- London; English wit and humor
At the annual July meeting of this renowned establishment, petitions
were presented from the animals of the menagerie, respecting their
grievances: the following were the greatest cases of hardship:—The
Carnivora, in a body, complained of a diminution and recent alteration
in their diet; the Society having, from a regard to economy and its
diminished finances, changed their food from good ox beef to asses'
flesh. They feared that, should they become addicted to this kind of
viand, they might, in a moment of desperation, be tempted, from the
similarity, to make free with the bodies of any of the members that came
in their way, a piece of ingratitude of which the great brown bruin, in
particular, said he could not bear the thought. The Royal Tigers
complained that some of their family had been carried off by a disorder
resembling the "King's evil;" this they attributed to the Society's
being under Royal patronage, which they had, in the course of their
travels, observed to be fatal in many other establishments. The Dogs
begged that, if they were to have no more meat, they might, at least, be
indulged with a copy of "South on the Bones." The beasts and birds,
generally, declared themselves ashamed of the shabby appearance of their
friends in the Museum, asserting that, living and dead, they were alike
badly stuffed. The Parrots spoke of the smallness of their cages, which,
they entreated, might be enlarged in dimensions by at least a perch or
two. The whole tribe of Simiæ, like the Baronets, prayed for a badge of
distinction. They stated that their appearance was so closely imitated
by numerous individuals who crowded around their cages on fine days in
the fashionable season, that their visitors did not know one from the
other, and frequently asked "Which _are_ the monkeys?"
All the animals prayed the benefit of clergy for the remission of their
Sunday fasts, and implored the Bishop of London, though he could not get
them a holiday on that day, to at least interfere to procure them a
dinner.
15. St Swithin begins to _reign_. Umbrellas look up.
[Illustration]
JULY.—SUMMERY PROCEEDINGS.
Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-dog
adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted the boldest
chap of all the bold North-Bungays. And though I must confess, what was
proved by subsequent circumstances, that Nature has _not_ endowed me
with a large, or even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man
is very willing to flatter himself of the contrary; and, after a little
time, I got to believe that my killing the dog was an action of
undaunted courage; and that I was as gallant as any one of the hundred
thousand heroes of our army. I always had a military taste—it's only the
brutal part of the profession, the horrid fighting, and blood, that I
don't like.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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