Valentines have hitherto been sentimental. This is a sad mistake in a matter-of-fact age, when Love may knock at a person's door long enough before he will be admitted, unless he comes handsomely dressed, and with his pockets full of money. The old conventional altar, with a couple of hearts on it pierced through with a skewer, which postmen leave at houses wrapped up in pink covers, on the 14th of February, is but sorry fare for young ladies who have been educated upon a hot luncheon every day, and who would sooner have a basin of turtle than the prettiest pair of pigeons that were ever served up with pink ribbon on the best satin paper! Lovers forget that we are a nation of shopkeepers, and should play their counters accordingly. How much better, instead of sending an immense tulip with a gentleman sitting inside of it, it would be to forward a small view of their fortune, drawn out in gold and silver on their banker's cheque-book! Ladies might not take the trouble to look under the paper rose, which when pulled out discloses the portrait of a spooney Adonis, in a blue coat and black moustachios; but a sketch of what the same "Spooney" intended to do, when married, in the way of a carriage or an opera-box, would be a puzzle which every young lady could but be deeply interested in finding out. Beauty is completely a matter of taste; but a good establishment, with unlimited millinery, powdered footman, violets all the year round, and subscription to the French plays, is a simple thing which no two mammas could possibly dispute about, and which every well-regulated daughter must appreciate at the very first glance. In fact, the more such a Valentine was looked at, the more it would be admired. The question nowadays is not, whether you are handsome—that concerns your looking-glass only—but whether your fortune has a handsome figure. Hymen has gone completely into the commercial line; and the closer Valentines resemble advertisements, the easier young gentlemen who offer themselves at a "tremendous sacrifice," will find themselves go off. Cupid has turned butcher-boy, and it is wonderful how he has enlarged his business since he has taken to serving his customers with something richer than a couple of sheep's hearts every day for dinner! For further inquiries, the young lady is referred to the plate opposite. [Illustration: SOMETHING LIKE A VALENTINE. ] PROBLEMS VERY EASY OF SOLUTION. Given—A haunch, of venison. To Find—Currant jelly, and six persons to eat it.<br> Given—A pound to Joseph Ady. To Find—Something to your advantage.<br> Given—A flat contradiction. To Find—A wife in hysterics. [Illustration: REVERSING THE OLD PROVERB—THE MOUNTAIN DOES GO TO MAHOMET. ] PROBLEMS RATHER DIFFICULT OF SOLUTION. Given—18,000,000_l._ to Ireland. To Find—An Irishman who is the least thankful for it.<br>