The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
Third, balsam of liverwort, the extract of buchu, Peruvian hair-dye, or
the sozodont, notwithstanding the strenuous assertions to the contrary
of the candid proprietors of those invaluable preparations. The only
extract he succeeded in making was a promise of honors, never performed,
although highly labelled; and it is well known that the only color he
succeeded in obtaining in America, for his own hair, was gray. From the
ingredients of this blanching powder he ultimately died himself at
Valladolid.
Fourth, nor is there any better foundation for the common error, that he
was the discoverer of the Tammany Society, and furnished designs and
colored drawings for the wigwam, in which the Democratic braves find so
many original and aboriginal voters. Indian polls, from which the hair
had been carefully removed, he did see, and even took a few back with
him to Spain; but it is needless to say that these polling-places were
not the exemplars of those which Tammany so often and so lovingly pats
on the head.
Fifth, equally erroneous is the general belief that he discovered “Hail
Columbia,” although it is true that he got enough of it, in the sense
that some illy educated small boys now use that phrase.
[Illustration:
DISCOVERY OF NEWFOUNDLAND.
(p. 71)
]
Ponce de Leon, following up the discoveries of Columbus, landed in
Florida, in 1512, and endeavored to find there a fountain possessing the
properties of giving to the imbiber perpetual youth. Although he did not
succeed in this quest, it seems probable that some one else did, for it
is well known that several Americans, such as Daniel Webster, John C.
Calhoun, and others, have lived quite too long, while other
distinguished Americans, as Burr and others, have manifested in a very
lively way a green old age, cutting up capers which none but very young
people would have thought of. He also discovered the Dry Tortugas,—a
temperance station of the first water, famous as the habitation of Dr.
Mudd.
A few years later, A. D. 1517, Mexico was unfortunately discovered, and
from that time to the present has been the scene of constant
embroilments, beginning with the broiling of Montezuma, by Cortez, and
ending with the unhappy stew made by Maximilian for himself. Mexico is
the American _abattoir_,—the general slaughter-house of our continent.
Ice for the preservation of the quarters of her victims, where no
quarter was shown, is obtained from the elevated plains into which the
country is as yet insufficiently broken up.
We ought to mention the voyage, in 1520, of a Portuguese, Magellan by
name, who touched at the Canaries for yellow birds, coasted along the
shores of Brazil in search of other golden products, but finally brought
up in a very tight place, on the extreme southern tip of our western
globe; calling the spot, under great pressure, the Straits of Magellan.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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