The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
In some cases, like those of Gosnold, Raleigh, De La Roche, and others,
attempts were made, and settlements actually planted, which seemed for a
time to thrive; but the impatient planters, like curious boys, were so
desirous of ascertaining how much their plants had grown, that they
pulled them up to look at the roots,—an inspection which the plants
resented by sulking and dying out. In other instances, fever and ague
was mixed up with the first seed, and this had a chilling effect upon
the husbandmen.
Indeed, a hard fight is still going on in many parts of the country with
this strong unsettler, the record of whose assaults and charges is found
in the apothecary shops and doctors’ offices. These highly colored
little stockades and forts with the rosy-hued land-offices for the sale
of the most desirable real estate, with water-lots running in front of
them, often indeed comprise the entire settlement.
In some instances, the character of the soil interfered seriously with
any permanent occupation of the place. People who had no objection to
watered silks, or watered paper, entertained, it has been found,
well-grounded reasons for not liking an oozy surface, paragraphed
between watery curves, and punctuated with bullfrogs and other pointed
characters. Some of the early settlers did venture upon these maritime
risks; but policy, or no policy, they ended their speculations under
weeping willows, with Keat-like epitaphs over them,—
“Here lies one whose name was writ in water.”
Oftentimes, even where the soil was rich, the early settler became
discouraged by the unexpected crops he obtained. Planting wheat, he
found that it came up a rank growth of Indian corn, tasselled out into
tomahawks or sharp-pointed arrows, instead of the silken tufts which he
had a right to look for in the order of nature. This result frequently
took place in the valleys of the Connecticut and Mohawk, along the banks
of the Mystic River, and upon the otherwise pleasant slopes overlooking
Narragansett Bay.
In several instances, too, as in the case of the shipped by the council
of the Plymouth Company, the seed thus sent was taken from heaps of
full-grown vicious specimens, to be found only in London, or other large
places, instead of being judiciously selected from healthy young stocks.
Such seed, of course, not only became sour and fermented, but this
fermentation spoiled whatever good grain was found accidentally mixed
with it. This kind of crop was even worse than that of the tomahawks or
arrows. Of course, these penal crops were short-lived. The profligate
and dissolute soon died in the virtuous solitudes in which they had no
previous experience at home to recall and compare; and escaped as soon
as possible from settlements whose greatest crime, in their eyes, was
that in them they could make no scores long enough to be worth running
away from.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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