The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
It is true that Virginia carried on her bosom a Blue Ridge, as in
later times some of her progeny have borne on their backs darker
ridges; but until 1620 no welts of the latter character stood out on
her fair shoulders; and these, be it said to his shame, were raised by
the master of a Dutch man-of-war who, on the very day in August that
the Pilgrim party embarked in the Mayflower, at Delft-Haven, in his
own country, landed twenty negroes for sale on the banks of the James
River, leaving a black mark which two hundred and forty-five years
have barely succeeded in washing out. In her very cradle, in 1606,
Virginia was loaded down and half smothered with that royal blanket, a
charter. Not content with this comforter, the royal nurses from London
kept piling other blankets of the same kind upon the vigorous infant,
and because it was vigorous, until within the short space of fourteen
years no less than four were heaped upon her. These were far from
being counter-panes, but on the contrary served in that warm climate
to distress the child, and eventually to bring out eruptions. Under
the second of these, in 1609, Maryland was tucked up in the same bed
with Virginia; but in 1621, not finding the company agreeable, she was
taken out by Lord Baltimore, and put into a pleasant and comfortable
trundle-bed of her own; the chivalrous young lord naming the baby
after Henrietta Maria, wife of Charles I., and daughter of the gallant
Henry of Navarre, afterwards Henry IV. of France. The year 1621 was
emphasized in the infant settlement of Virginia by the introduction of
cotton and the first written constitution,—two prolific American seeds
that have each borne large harvests. Considering the varied uses to
which the former is now applied in clothing human bodies and
habitations, and the latter in padding political addresses and
lawsuits, we are puzzled to conceive how the world got on, and
especially how congressmen managed to make speeches, or lawyers to
live, prior to those great discoveries,—discoveries more important in
some aspects than those of iron, the Reformation, Illinois divorces,
gunpowder, steam, the doctrine of legal insanity, Brandreth’s pills,
and others, without which of course no well-ordered or well-digesting
family can long proceed.
Seven years later Charles I. contracted to take the entire tobacco crop
of Virginia; hoping probably by the free use of this narcotic to drug
the alarmed political conscience of England.
The ship that took the first Maryland emigrants up the Potomac to their
new settlement was called the Ark and the Dove, and carried in its beak
the olive-branch of religious toleration.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present — John Shaqi
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