And then came dark mistrust and doubt, Gather’d by worming his secrets out, And slips in his conversations-- Fears, which all her peace destroy’d, That his title was null--his coffers were void-- And his French Château was in Spain, or enjoy’d The most airy of situations. But still his heart--if he had such a part-- She--only she--might possess his heart, And hold his affections in fetters-- Alas! that hope, like a crazy ship, Was forced its anchor and cable to slip When, seduced by her fears, she took a dip In his private papers and letters. Letters that told of dangerous leagues; And notes that hinted as many intrigues As the Count’s in the “Barber of Seville”-- In short such mysteries came to light, That the Countess-Bride, on the thirtieth night, Woke and started up in affright, And kick’d and scream’d with all her might, And finally fainted away outright, For she dreamt she had married the Devil! HER MISERY. Who hath not met with home-made bread, A heavy compound of putty and lead-- And home-made wines that rack the head, And home-made liqueurs and waters? Home-made pop that will not foam, And home-made dishes that drive one from home, Not to name each mess, For the face or dress, Home-made by the homely daughters? Home-made physic that sickens the sick; Thick for thin and thin for thick; In short each homogeneous trick For poisoning domesticity? And since our Parents, call’d the First, A little family squabble nurst, Of all our evils the worst of the worst Is home-made infelicity. There’s a Golden Bird that claps its wings, And dances for joy on its perch, and sings With a Persian exultation: For the Sun is shining into the room, And brightens up the carpet-bloom, As if it were new, bran new, from the loom, Or the lone Nun’s fabrication. And thence the glorious radiance flames On pictures in massy gilded frames-- Enshrining, however, no painted Dames, But portraits of colts and fillies-- Pictures hanging on walls, which shine, In spite of the bard’s familiar line, With clusters of “Gilded lilies.” And still the flooding sunlight shares Its lustre with gilded sofas and chairs, That shine as if freshly burnish’d-- And gilded tables, with glittering stocks Of gilded china, and golden clocks, Toy, and trinket, and musical box, That Peace and Paris have furnish’d. And lo! with the brightest gleam of all The glowing sunbeam is seen to fall On an object as rare as splendid-- The golden foot of the Golden Leg Of the Countess--once Miss Kilmansegg-- But there all sunshine is ended.