There is but one part of your dressing that I would admit while the victuals are boiling, roasting, or stewing; I mean, the combing your head, which loseth no time, because you stand over your cookery, and watch it with one hand, while you are using the comb with the other. If any of the combings happen to be sent up with the victuals, you may safely lay the fault upon any of the footmen that hath vexed you: as those gentlemen are sometimes apt to be malicious, if you refuse them a sop in the pan, or a slice from the spit, much more when you discharge a ladle-full of hot porridge on their legs, or send them up to their masters with a dish-clout pinned at their tail. In roasting and boiling, order the kitchen-maid to bring none but the large coals, and save the small ones for the fires above stairs: the first are properest for dressing meat; and when they are out, if you happen to miscarry in any dish, you may fairly lay the fault upon the want of coals; besides, the cinder-pickers will be sure to speak ill of your master’s house-keeping, where they do not find plenty of large cinders mixt with fresh large coals: thus you may dress your meat with credit, do an act of charity, raise the honour of your master, and sometimes get share of a pot of ale for your bounty to the cinder-woman. As soon as you have sent up the second course, you have nothing to do (in a great family) until supper: _therefore_ scour your bands and face, put on your hood and scarf, and take your pleasure among your cronies, till nine or ten at night—but dine first. Let there be always a strict friendship between you and the butler, for it is both your interests to be united: the butler often wants a comfortable tit-bit, and you much oftener a cool cup of good liquor. However, be cautious of him, for he is sometimes an inconstant lover; because he hath great advantage to allure the maids with a glass of sack, or white-wine and sugar. When you roast a breast of veal, remember your sweet-heart the butler loves a sweet-bread; therefore set it aside till evening; you can say, the cat or the dog has run away with it, or you found it tainted or fly-blown; and besides, it looks as well at the table without it. When you make the company wait long for dinner, and the meat be over-done, which is generally the case, you may lawfully lay the fault upon your lady, who hurried you to send up dinner, that you was forced to send it up too much boiled or roasted. If your dinner miscarries in almost every dish, how could you help it? You were teazed by the footmen coming into the kitchen; and to prove it true, take occasion to be angry, and throw a ladle-full of broth on one or two of their liveries; besides _Friday_ and _Childermas-day_ are two cross days in the week, and it is impossible to have good luck on either of them; therefore on those two days you have a lawful excuse.