The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"Ha!" he cried, "you spurn me, then, because I am a mechanic. Well,
be it so! though the time will come, Isabel Sawtelle," he added, and
nothing could exceed his looks at this moment--"when you will bitterly
remember the cooper you now so cruelly cast off? Farewell!"
________________
Years rolled on. Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable aristocrat, who
recently died of delirium tremens. Her father failed, and is now a
raving maniac, and wants to bite little children. All her brothers
(except one) were sent to the penitentiary for burglary, and her mother
peddles clams that are stolen for her by little George, her only son
that has his freedom. Isabel's sister Bianca rides an immoral spotted
horse in the circus, her husband having long since been hanged for
murdering his own uncle on his mother's side. Thus we see that it is
always best to marry a mechanic.
____________________
ROBERTO THE ROVER:--A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE.
_______________
CHAPTER I.--FRANCE.
Our story opens in the early part of the year 17--. France was rocking
wildly from centre to circumference. The arch despot and unscrupulous
man, Richard the III., was trembling like an aspen leaf upon his
throne. He had been successful, through the valuable aid of Richelieu
and Sir. Wm. Donn, in destroying the Orleans Dysentery, but still he
trembled! O'Mulligan, the snake-eater of Ireland, and Schnappsgoot
of Holland, a retired dealer in gin and sardines, had united their
forces--some nineteen men and a brace of bull pups in all--and were
overtly at work, their object being to oust the tyrant. O'Mulligan
was a young man between fifty-three years of age and was chiefly
distinguished for being the son of his aunt on his great grandfather's
side. Schnappsgoot was a man of liberal education, having passed three
weeks at Oberlin College. He was a man of great hardihood, also, and
would frequently read an entire column of "railway matters" in the
"Cleveland Herald" without shrieking with agony.
_______________
CHAPTER II.--THE KING.
The tyrant Richard the III. (late Mr. Gloster) sat upon his throne
in the Palace d' St. Cloud. He was dressed in his best clothes, and
gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere. Courtiers, in glittering
and golden armor, stood ready at his beck. He sat moodily for a
while, when suddenly his sword flashed from its silver scabbard, and he
shouted--
"Slaves, some wine, ho!"
The words had scarcely escaped his lips ere a bucket of champagne and a
hoe were placed before him.
As the king raised the bucket to his lips, a deep voice near by,
proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs, cried--"Drink
hearty, old feller."
"Reports traveling on lightning-wings, whisper of strange goings on
and cuttings up throughout this kingdom. Knowest thou aught of these
things, most noble Hellitysplit?" and the king drew from the upper
pocket of his gold-faced vest a paper of John Anderson's solace and
proceeded to take a chaw.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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