The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"--a man of strange wild mien--one who has seen trouble."--Sir Walter
Scott. "You ask me, don't I wish to see the Constitution dissolved and
broken up. I answer, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!"--H.W. Faxon. "They will join
our expedition."--Anon. "Go in on your muscle."--President Buchanan's
instructions to the Collector of Toledo. "Westward the hoe of Empire
Stars its way."--George N. True. "Where liberty dwells there is my
kedentry."--C.R. Dennett.
Seventeen years have become ingulfed in the vast and moist ocean of
eternity since the scene depicted in the last chapter occurred. We are
in Mexico. Come with me to the Scarlet Banditti's cave. It is night.
A tempest is raging tempestuously without, but within we find a scene of
dazzling magnificence. The cave is spacious. Chandeliers of solid gold
hang up suspended around the gorgeously furnished room, and the marble
floor is star-studded with flashing diamonds. It must have cost between
two hundred dollars to fit this cave up. It embraced all of the modern
improvements. At the head of the cave life-size photographs (by Ryder)
of the bandits, and framed in gilt, were hung up suspended. The bandits
were seated around a marble table, which was sculped regardless of
expense, and were drinking gin and molasses out of golden goblets.
When they got out of gin fresh supplies were brought in by slaves from
a two-horse wagon outside, which had been captured that day, after a
desperate and bloody struggle, by the bandits, on the plains of Buena
Vista.
At the head of the table sat the Chief. His features were swarthy
but elegant. He was splendidly dressed in new clothes, and had that
voluptuous, dreamy air of grandeur about him which would at once rivet
the gaze of folks generally. In answer to a highly enthusiastic call
he arose and delivered an able and eloquent speech. We regret that our
space does not permit us to give this truly great speech in full--we
can merely give a synopsis of the distinguished speaker's remarks.
"Comrades! listen to your chief. You all know my position on
Lecompton. Where I stand in regard to low tolls on the Ohio Canal is
equally clear to you, and so with the Central American question. I
believe I understand my little Biz. I decline defining my position on
the Horse Railroad until after the Spring Election. Whichever way I
says I don't say so myself unless I says so also. Comrades! be virtuous
and you'll be happy." The Chief sat down amidst great applause, and was
immediately presented with an elegant gold headed cane by his comrades,
as a slight testimonial of their respect.
CHAPTER III.
"This is the last of Earth."--Page. "The hope of America lies in its
well-conducted school-houses."--Bone. "I wish it to be distinctly
understood that I want the Union to be Reserved."--N.T. Nash. "Sine
qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cui bono Ad infininim E Unibus
plurum."--Brown.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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