The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"This man is in for murder. He is here for three years."
But shooting isn't as popular in Nevada as it once was. A few years
since they used to have a dead man for breakfast every morning. A
reformed desperado told my that he supposed he had killed men enough to
stock a graveyard. "A feeling of remorse," he said, "sometimes comes
over me! But I'm an altered man now. I hain't killed a man for over
two weeks! What'll yer poison yourself with?" he added, dealing a
resonant blow on the bar.
There used to live near Carson City a notorious desperado, who never
visited town without killing somebody. He would call for liquor at some
drinking-house, and if anybody declined joining him he would at once
commence shooting. But one day he shot a man too many. Going into the
St. Nicholas drinking-house he asked the company present to join him in
a North American drink. One individual was rash enough to refuse. With
a look of sorrow rather than anger the desperado revealed his revolver,
and said, "Good God! Must I kill a man every time I come to Carson?"
and so saying he fired and killed the individual on the spot. But this
was the last murder the bloodthirsty miscreant ever committed, for the
aroused citizens pursued him with rifles and shot him down in his own
dooryard. _______________ I lecture in the theatre at Carson, which
opens out of a drinking and gambling house. On each side of the door
where my ticket-taker stands there are monte-boards and sweat-cloths,
but they are deserted to-night, the gamblers being evidently of a
literary turn of mind. _______________ Five years ago there was only a
pony-path over the precipitous hills on which now stands the marvelous
city of Virginia, with its population of twelve thousand persons, and
perhaps more. Virginia, with its stately warehouses and gay shops;
its splendid streets, paved with silver ore; its banking houses and
faro-banks; its attractive coffee-houses and elegant theatre, its music
halls and its three daily newspapers. _______________ I visit several of
the adjacent mining towns, but I do not go to Aurora. No, I think not.
A lecturer on psychology was killed there the other night by the playful
discharge of a horse-pistol in the hands of a degenerate and intoxicated
Spaniard. This circumstance, and a rumor that the citizens are "agin"
literature, induce me to go back to Virginia. _______________ I had
pointed out to me at a restaurant a man who had killed four men in
street broils, and who had that very day cut his own brother's breast
open in a dangerous manner with a small supper knife. He was a
gentleman, however. I heard him tell some men so. He admitted it
himself. And I don't think he would lie about a little thing like that.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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