The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Big Creek is a straggling, wild, little village; and the house in which
I had the honor of speaking a piece had no other floor than the bare
earth. The roof was of sagebrush. At one end of the building a huge
wood fire blazed, which, with half-a-dozen tallow-candles, afforded all
the illumination desired. The lecturer spoke from behind the drinking
bar. Behind him long rows of decanters glistened; above him hung
pictures of race-horses and prize-fighters; and beside him, in his
shirt-sleeves and wearing a cheerful smile, stood the bar-keeper.
My speeches at the Bar before this had been of an elegant character,
perhaps, but quite brief. They never extended beyond "I don't care if I
do," "No sugar in mine," and short gems of a like character.
I had a good audience at Big Creek, who seemed to be pleased, the
bar-keeper especially; for at the close of any "point" that I sought
to make he would deal the counter a vigorous blow with his fist, and
exclaim, "Good boy from the New England States! listen to William W.
Shakespeare!"
Back to Austin. We lose our way, and hitching our horses to a tree,
go in search of some human beings. The night is very dark. We soon
stumble upon a camp-fire, and an unpleasantly modulated voice asks us to
say our prayers, adding that we are on the point of going to Glory with
our boots on. I think perhaps there may be some truth in this, as the
mouth of a horse-pistol almost grazes my forehead, while immediately
behind the butt of that death-dealing weapon I perceive a large man
with black whiskers. Other large men begin to assemble, also with
horse-pistols. Dr. Hingston hastily explains, while I go back to the
carriage to say my prayers, where there is more room. The men were
miners on a prospecting tour, and as we advanced upon them without
sending them word they took us for highway robbers.
I must not forget to say that my brave and kind-hearted friend Ryder
of the mail coach, who had so often alluded to "Ward" in our ride
from Virginia to Austin, was among my hearers at Big Creek. He had
discovered who I was, and informed me that he had debated whether to
wollop me or give me some rich silver claims.
_______________
IX.
GREAT SALT LAKE CITY.
How was I to be greeted by the Mormons? That was rather an exciting
question with me. I had been told on the plains that a certain humorous
sketch of mine (written some years before) had greatly incensed the
Saints, and a copy of the Sacramento "Union" newspaper had a few days
before fallen into my hands in which a Salt Lake correspondent
quite clearly intimated that my reception at the new Zion might be
unpleasantly warm. I ate my dinner moodily and sent out for some
cigars. The venerable clerk brought me six. They cost only two
dollars. They were procured at a store near by. The Salt Lake House
sells neither cigars nor liquors.
I smoke in my room, having no heart to mingle with the people in the
office.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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