The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I had forgotten all about this, and as Elder Stenhouse read it to me "my
feelings may be better imagined than described," to use language I think
I have heard before. I pleaded, however, that it was a purely burlesque
sketch, and that this strong paragraph should not be interpreted
literally at all. The Elder didn't seem to see it in that light, but we
parted pleasantly.
_______________
X.
THE MOUNTAIN FEVER.
I go back to my hotel and go to bed, and I do not get up again for two
weary weeks. I have the mountain fever (so called in Utah, though
it closely resembles the old-style typhus) and my case is pronounced
dangerous. I don't regard it so. I don't, in fact, regard anything.
I am all right, myself. My poor Hingston shakes his head sadly, and Dr.
Williamson, from Camp Douglas, pours all kinds of bitter stuff down my
throat. I drink his health in a dose of the cheerful beverage known
as jalap, and thresh the sheets with my hot hands. I address large
assemblages, who have somehow got into my room, and I charge Dr.
Williamson with the murder of Luce, and Mr. Irwin, the actor, with the
murder of Shakspeare. I have a lucid spell now and then, in one of
which James Townsend, the landlord, enters. He whispers, but I hear
what he says far too distinctly: "This man can have anything and
everything he wants; but I'm no hand for a sick room. I never could see
anybody die. "
That was cheering, I thought. The noble Californian, Jerome Davis--he
of the celebrated ranch--sticks by me like a twin brother, although I
fear that in my hot frenzy I more than once anathematised his kindly
eyes. Nursers and watchers, Gentile and Mormon, volunteer their
services in hoops and rare wines are sent to me from all over the city,
which, if I can't drink, the venerable and excellent Thomas can, easy.
I lay there in this wild, broiling way for nearly two weeks, when
one morning I woke up with my head clear and an immense plaster on my
stomach. The plaster had operated. I was so raw that I could by
no means say to Dr. Williamson, "Well done, thou good and faithful
servant". I wished he had lathed me before he plastered me. I was
fearfully weak. I was frightfully thin. With either one of my legs you
could have cleaned the stem of a meerschaum pipe. My backbone had the
appearance of a clothesline with a quantity of English walnuts strung
upon it. My face was almost gone. My nose was so sharp that I didn't
dare stick it into other people's business for fear it would stay
there. But by borrowing my agent's overcoat I succeeded in producing a
shadow.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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