The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The gateway of his block is surmounted by a brass American eagle, and
they say ("they say" here means anti-Mormons) that he receives his
spiritual dispatches through this piece of patriotic poultry. They
also say that he receives revelations from a stuffed white calf that is
trimmed with red ribbons and kept in an iron box. I don't suppose these
things are true. Rumor says that when the Lion House was ready to be
shingled, Brigham received a message from the Lord stating that the
carpenters must all take hold and shingle it, and not charge a red cent
for their services. Such carpenters as refused to shingle would go
to hell, and no postponement on account of the weather. They say that
Brigham, whenever a train of emigrants arrives in Salt Lake City, orders
all the women to march up and down before his block, while he stands on
the portico of the Lion House and gobbles up the prettiest ones.
He is an immensely wealthy man. His wealth is variously estimated at
from ten to twenty millions of dollars. He owns saw mills, grist mills,
woollen factories, brass and iron foundries, farms, brick-yards, &c.,
and superintends them all in person. A man in Utah individually owns
what he grows and makes, with the exception of a one-tenth part: that
must go to the Church; and Brigham Young, as the first President, is the
Church's treasurer. Gentiles, of course, say that he abuses this blind
confidence of his people, and speculates with their money, and absorbs
the interest if he doesn't the principle. The Mormons deny this, and
say that whatever of their money he does use is for the good of the
Church; that he defrays the expenses of emigrants from far over the
seas; that he is foremost in all local enterprises tending to develop
the resources of the territory, an that, in short, he is incapable of
wrong in any shape.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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