The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"I will tell you, Sir," said the lan'lord. "My son-in-law is employed
in a bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to these shores goes
to git his drafts casht, and he says that not one has arrived on these
shores during the last 18 months as wasn't a Gen'ral, a Colonial,
a Majer, a Capting, or a leftenant! This man, as I said afore, has
deceeved you! He's a imposture!"
I reeled into a chair. For a minit I was speechlis. At length I
murmured, "Alars! I fear it is too troo! Even I was a Capting of the
Home Gards."
"To be sure," said the lan'lord; "you all do it over there."
"Wall," I said, "whatever nation this person belongs to, we may as
well go and hear him lectur this evenin. He is one of these spirit
fellers--he is a Trans-Mejim, and when he slings himself into a
trans-state he says the sperits of departed great men talk through
him. He says that to-night sev'ril em'nent persons will speak through
him--among others, Cromwell."
"And this Mr. Cromwell--is he dead?" said the lan'lord.
I told him that Oliver was no more.
"It's a umbug," said the lan'lord; to which I replied that we'd best
go and see, and we went. We was late, on account of the lan'lord's
extensiv acquaintans with the public house keepers along the road, and
the hall was some two miles distant, but we got there at last. The hall
was about half full, and the Mejim was just then assumin' to be Benjamin
Franklin, who was speakin about the Atlantic Cable.
He said the Cable was really a merrytorious affair, and that messiges
could be sent to America, and there was no doubt about their gettin
there in the course of a week or two, which he said was a beautiful
idear, and much quicker than by steamer or canal-boat. It struck me
that if this was Franklin a spiritooal life hadn't improved the old
gentleman's intellecks particly.
The audiens was mostly composed of rayther pale peple, whose eyes
I tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner. But they was
well-behaved, and the females kept saying, "How beautiful! What a
surblime thing it is," et cetry, et cetry. Among the females was one
who was a fair and rosy young woman. She sot on the same seat we did,
and the lan'lord of the Green Lion, whose frekent intervoos with other
lan'lords that evenin had been too much for him, fastened his left eye
on the fair and rosy young person, and smilin lovinly upon her, said:
"You may give me, my dear, four-penny-worth of gin--cold gin. I take it
cold, because--"
There was cries of "Silence! Shame! Put him out! The Skoffer!"
"Ain't we at the Spotted Boar?" the lan'lord hoarsely whispered.
"No," I answered. "It's another kind of bore. Lis'en. Cromwell is
goin' to speak through our inspired fren', now."
"Is he?" said the lan'lord--"is he? Wall, I've suthin to say, also.
Was this Cromwell a licensed vittler?"
"Not that I ever heard," I anserd.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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