The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
His humor was so entirely fresh and unconventional, that it took his
hearers by surprise, and charmed them. His failing health compelled him
to abandon the lecture after about eight or ten weeks. Indeed,
during that brief period he was once or twice compelled to dismiss his
audience. Frequently he sank into a chair and nearly fainted from the
exertion of dressing. He exhibited the greatest anxiety to be at his
post at the appointed time, and scrupulously exerted himself to the
utmost to entertain his auditors. It was not because he was sick that
the public was to be disappointed, or that their enjoyment was to
be diminished. During the last few weeks of his lecture-giving, he
steadily abstained from accepting any of the numerous invitations he
received. Had he lived through the following London fashionable season,
there is little doubt that the room at the Egyptian Hall would have been
thronged nightly. The English aristocracy have a fine, delicate sense
of humor, and the success, artistic and pecuniary, of "Artemus Ward"
would have rivalled that of the famous "Lord Dundreary." There were
many stupid people who did not understand the "fun" of Artemus Ward's
books. There were many stupid people who did not understand the fun of
Artemus Ward's lecture on the Mormons. Highly respectable people--the
pride of their parish--when they heard of a lecture "upon the Mormons,"
expected to see a solemn person, full of old saws and new statistics,
who would denounce the sin of polygamy,--and rave without limit against
Mormons. These uncomfortable Christians do not like humor. They dread
it as a certain personage is said to dread holy water, and for the same
reason that thieves fear policemen--it finds them out. When these
good idiots heard Artemus offer if they did not like the lecture
in Piccadilly, to give them free tickets for the same lecture in
California, when he next visited that country, they turned to each other
indignantly, and said, "What use are tickets for California to us? WE
are not going to California. No! we are too good, too respectable to
go so far from home. The man is a fool!" One of these vestrymen
complained to the doorkeeper, and denounced the lecturer as an
impostor--"and," said the wealthy parishioner, "as for the panorama, it
is the worst painted thing I ever saw."
During the lecture Artemus was always as solemn as the grave. Sometimes
he would seem to forget his audience, and stand for several seconds
gazing intently at his panorama. Then he would start up and remark
apologetically, "I am very fond of looking at my pictures." His dress
was always the same--evening toilet. His manners were polished, and his
voice gentle and hesitating. Many who had read of the man who spelled
joke with a "g," looked for a smart old man with a shrewd cock eye,
dressed in vulgar velvet and gold, and they were hardly prepared to see
the accomplished gentleman with slim physique and delicate white hands.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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