"Rip slap--set em up again, Right in the middle of a three-cent pie," which mistake, added to the fact that I couldn't play onto the claironett except makin it howl dismal, broke up the picnic, and children said, in voices choked with sobs and emotions, where was their home and where was their Pa? and I said, Be quiet, dear children, I am your Pa, which made a young woman with two twins by her side say very angryly, "Good heavens forbid you should ever be the Pa of any of these innocent ones, unless it is much desirable for them to expire igminyusly upon to a murderer's gallus!" I say I will not speak of this.  Let it be Berrid into Oblivyun. In your article, Mr. Editer, please tell him what sort of a man I am. If you see fit to kriticise my Show speak your mind freely.  I do not object to kriticism.  Tell the public, in a candid and graceful article, that my Show abounds in moral and startlin cooriosities, any one of whom is wuth dubble the price of admission. I hav thus far spoke of myself excloosivly as a exhibiter. I was born in the State of Maine of parents.  As a infant I attracted a great deal of attention.  The nabers would stand over my cradle for hours and say, "How bright that little face looks!  How much it nose!"  The young ladies would carry me round in their arms, sayin I was muzzer's bezzy darlin and a sweety 'eety 'ittle ting.  It was nice, tho' I wasn't old enuf to properly appreciate it.  I'm a healthy old darlin now. I have allers sustained a good moral character.  I was never a Railroad director in my life. Altho' in early life I did not inva'bly confine myself to truth in my small bills, I have been gradoolly growin respectabler and respectabler ev'ry year.  I luv my children, and never mistake another man's wife for my own.  I'm not a member of any meetin house, but firmly bel'eve in meetin houses, and shouldn't feel safe to take a dose of laudnum and lay down in the street of a village that hadn't any, with a thousand dollars in my vest pockets. My temperament is billious, altho' I don't owe a dollar in the world. I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian.  I may add that I am also bald-heded.  I keep two cows. I live in Baldinsville, Indiany.  My next door naber is Old Steve Billins.  I'll tell you a little story about Old Steve that will make you larf.  He jined the Church last spring, and the minister said, "You must go home now, Brothern Billins, and erect a family altar in your own house," whereupon the egrejis old ass went home and built a reg'lar pulpit in his sittin room.  He had the jiners in his house over four days. I am 56 (56) years of age.  Time, with its relentless scythe, is ever busy.  The Old Sexton gathers them in, he gathers them in!  I keep a pig this year. I don't think of anything more, Mr Ed'ter.