The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there was sounds of
footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a lively air, which when
they did finish it, there was cries of "Ward! Ward!" I stept out onto
the portico. A brief glance showed me that the assemblage was summut
mixed. There was a great many ragged boys, and there was quite a number
of grown-up persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin
bole. The Band was also drunk. Dr. Schwazey, who was holdin up a
post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk--so much so that it had got into his
spectacles, which were staggerin wildly over his nose. But I was in for
it, and I commenced:--
"Feller Citizens,--For this onexpected honor--"
LEADER OF THE BAND.--Will you give us our money now, or wait till you
git through?"
To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no attention.
"--for this onexpected honor, I thank you."
LEADER OF THE BAND.--"But you said you'd give us seven dollars if we'd
play two choons."
Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows:--
"I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of true
Americans, my heart swells--"
DR. SCHWAZEY.--"So do I!"
A VOICE.--"We all do!"
"--my heart swells--"
A VOICE.--"Three cheers for the swells."
"We live," said I, "in troublous times, but I hope we shall again resume
our former proud position, and go on in our glorious career!"
DR. SCHWAZEY.--I'm willin for one to go on in a glorious career! Will
you join me, fellow-citizens, in a glorious career? What wages does a
man git for a glorious career, when he finds himself?"
"Dr, Schwazey," said I, sternly, "you are drunk. You're disturbin the
meetin."
DR. S.--Have you a banquet spread in the house? I should like a
rhunossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on toast, or a horse
and wagon roasted whole. Anything that's handy. Don't put yourself out
on me account.
At this point the Band begun to make hidyous noises with their brass
horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy wanted to know if there wasn't to
be some wittles afore the concern broke up? I didn't exactly know
what to do, and was just on the point of doin it, when a upper winder
suddenly opened, and a stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the
disorderly crowd, who took the hint and retired at once.
When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, among other
arrangements, have a respectful company on hand. So no more from me
to-day. When this you see, remember me.
____________________
O'BOURCY'S "ARRAH-NA-POGUE."
You axe me, sir, to sling sum ink for your paper in regards to the new
Irish dramy at Niblo's Garding. I will do it, sir.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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