The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Only a few weeks ago I was exhibitin in East Skowhegan, in a b'ildin
which had form'ly bin ockepyied by a pugylist--one of them fellers which
hits from the shoulder, and teaches the manly art of self defens. And
he cum and said he was goin in free, in consekence of previ'sly ockepyin
sed b'ildin, with a large yeller dog. I sed, "To be sure, sir, but not
with those yeller dogs." He sed, "Oh, yes." I sed, "Oh, no." He sed,
"Do you want to be ground to powder?" I sed, "Yes, I do, if there is a
powder-grindist handy." When he struck me a disgustin blow in my left
eye, which caused that concern to at once close for repairs; but
he didn't hurt me any more. I went for him. I went for him
energet'cally. His parents live near by, and I will simply state that
15 minits after I'd gone for him, his mother, seein the prostrate form
of her son approachin the house on to a shutter carrid by four men,
run out doors, keerfully looked him over, and sed, "My son, you've been
foolin round a thrashin masheen. You went in at the end where they
put the grain in, come out with the straw, and then got up in the
thingumajig and let the hosses tred on you, didn't you, my son?"
You can jedge by this what a disagreeable person I am when I'm angry.
But to resoom about helth. I cum of a helthy fam'ly.
The Wards has allus been noted for helthiness.
The fust of my ancestors that I know anything about was Abijah Ward
and his wife, Abygil Ward who came over with the Pilgrims in the
"Mayflower." Most of the Pilgrims was sick on the passige, but my
ancestor wasn't. Even when the tempist raged and the billers howled, he
sold another Pilgrim a kag of apple sass. The Pilgrim who bo't it
was angry when he found that under a few layers of sass the rest was
sawdust, and my ancestor sed he wouldn't have b'leeved such wickedness
could exist, when he ascertained that the bill sed Pilgrim gave him was
onto a broken bank, and wasn't wuth the price of a glass of new gin. It
will be thus seen that my fust ancestor had a commercial mind.
My ancestors has all bin helthy people, tho' their pursoots in life has
been vari's.
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____________________
A FRAGMENT.
[Among the papers, letters and miscellanea left on the table of poor
Ward was found the fragment which follows. Diligent search failed
to discover any beginning or end to it. The probability is that it
consists of part of a paper intended to describe a comic trip round
England. To write a comic itinerary of an English tour was one of the
author's favorite ideas; and another favorite one was to travel on the
Continent and compile a comic "Murray's Guide." No interest attaches
to this mere scrap other than that it exemplifies what the writer would
have attempted had his life been longer.]
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Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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