The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The editor of the Bugle-Horn of Liberty here arose and said: "I do not
wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a impertant despatch has just
bin received at the telegraph office here. I will read it. It is as
follows: Gov'ment is about to take vigorous measures to put down the
rebellion! [Loud applause.]
That, said I, is cheering. That's soothing. And Washington will
be safe. [Sensation.] Philadelphia is safe. Gen. PATTERSON'S in
Philadelphia. But my heart bleeds partic'ly for Washington. My wife
says so too.
There's money enough. No trouble about money. They've got a lot of
first-class bank-note engravers at Washington (which place, I regret
to say, is by no means safe) who turn out two or three cords of money a
day--good money, too. Goes well. These bank-note engravers made
good wages. I expect they lay up property. They are full of Union
sentiment. There is considerable Union sentiment in Virginny, more
especially among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah valley. My wife
says so too.
Then it isn't money we want. But we do want men, and we must have
them. We must carry a whirlwind of fire among the foe. We must crush
the ungrateful rebels who are poundin' the Goddess of Liberty over the
head with slung-shots, and stabbin' her with stolen knives! We must
lick 'em quick. We must introduce a large number of first-class
funerals among the people of the South. Betsy says so too.
This war hain't been too well managed. We all know that. What then?
We are all in the same boat--if the boat goes down, we go down with
her. Hence we must all fight. It ain't no use to talk now about
who caused the war. That's played out. The war is upon us--upon us
all--and we must all fight. We can't "reason" the matter with the foe.
When, in the broad glare of the noonday sun, a speckled jackass boldly
and maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand, do we "reason" with him? I
guess not. And why "reason" with those other Southern people who are
trying to kick over the Republic! Betsy, my wife, says so too.
The meeting broke up with enthusiasm.
We shan't draft in Baldinsville if we can help it.
____________________
SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS.
It was customary in many of the inland towns of New England, some
thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the surrender of
Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that important event in the
history of the Revolutionary War. A town meeting would be called, at
which a company of men would be detailed as British, and a company as
Americans--two leading citizens being selected to represent Washington
and Cornwallis in mimic surrender.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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