The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
P.S.--Persons having lost or having property stolen of any kind,
will do well to give her a call, as she will describe the person or
persons with such accuracy as will astonish the most devout critic.
Terms Reasonable.
She has rooms at the Farmers' Hotel, as stated in the bill above.
She was driving an extensive business, and we were forced to wait
half an hour or so for a chance to see her. Madame Crompton is of
the English persuasion, and has evidently searched many long years
in vain for her H. She is small in stature, but considerably
inclined to corpulency, and her red round face is continually
wreathed in smiles, reminding one of a new tin pan basking in the
noonday sun. She took a greasy pack of common playing cards, and
requested us to "cut them in three," which we did. She spread them
out before her on the table, and said:--
"Sir to you which I speaks. You 'av been terrible crossed in love,
and your 'art 'as been much panged. But you'll get over it and
marry a light complected gale with rayther reddish 'air. Before
some time you'll have a legercy fall down on to you, mostly in
solick Jold. There may be a lawsuit about it, and you may be
sup-prisoned as a witnesses, but you'll git it--mostly in solick
Jold, which you will keep in chists, and you must look out for them.
[We said we would keep a skinned optic on "them chists."] You 'as a
enemy, and he's a lightish man. He wants to defraud you out of your
'onesty. He is tellink lies about you now in the 'opes of crushin
yourself. [A weak invention of "the opposition."] You never did
nothin bad. Your 'art is right. You 'ave a great taste for hosses
and like to stay with 'em. Mister to you I sez: Gard aginst the
lightish man and all will be well."
The supernatural being then took an oval-shaped chunk of glass
(which she called a stone) and requested us to "hang on to it." She
looked into it and said:
"If you're not keerful when you git your money, you'll lose it, but
which otherwise you will not, and fifty cents is as cheap as I kin
afford to tell anybody's fortune, and no great shakes made then."
1.46. FROM A HOMELY MAN.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Elsewhere in the archive
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account