The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
There is considerable truth in the above, we are sorry to state.
Reporters are too apt to smooth over and give a fair face to the
stupidity and bombast of political and other public humbugs. For
this they are not only seldom thanked, but frequently are kicked.
Of course this sort of thing is wrong. A Reporter should be
independent enough to meet the approaches of gentlemen of the
Nincompoop persuasion with a flat rebuff. He should never gloss
over a political humbug, whether he belongs to "our side" or not.
He is not thanked for doing it, and, furthermore, he loses the
respect and confidence of his readers. There are many amiable
gentlemen ornamenting the various walks of life, who are under the
impression that for a dozen bad cigars or a few drinks of worse
whisky they can purchase the "opinion" of almost any Reporter. It
has been our pleasure on several occasions to disabuse those
gentlemen of this impression.
Should another occasion of this kind ever offer, we feel that we
should be "adequate" to treat it in a similar manner. A Reporter,
we modestly submit, is as good as anybody, and ought to feel that he
is, everywhere and at all times. For one, let us quietly and
without any show of vanity remark, that we are not only just as good
as anybody else, but a great deal better than many we know of. We
love God and hate Indians: pay our debts; support the Constitution
of the United States; go in for Progress, Sunshine, Calico, and
other luxuries; are perfectly satisfied and happy, and wouldn't swop
"sits" with the President, Louis Napoleon, the Emperor of China,
Sultan of Turkey, Brigham Young, or Nicholas Longworth. Success to
us!
1.54. HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER IN HIS POCKET.
L-- lived in this city several years ago. He dealt in horses,
carriages, &c. Hearing of a good chance to sell buggies up West, he
embarked with a lot for that "great" country. At Toledo he took a
Michigan Southern train. Somebody had by way of a joke, warned him
against the conductor of that particular train, telling him that
said conductor had an eccentric way of taking up tickets at the
beginning of the journey, and of denying that he had done so and
demanding fare at the end thereof. This the confiding L--
swallowed. He determined not to be swindled in this way, and so
when the conductor came around and asked him for his ticket he
declined giving up. The conductor insisted. L-- still refused.
"I've got the little voucher in my pocket," he said, with a knowing
look, slily slapping the pocket which contained the ticket.
The conductor glanced at L--'s stalwart frame. He had heard L--
spoken of as a fighting man. He preferred not to grapple with him.
The train was a light one, and it so happened that L-- was the only
man in this, the hind car. So the conductor had the train stopped,
and quietly unhitched this car.
"Good day, Mr. L," he yelled; "just keep that little voucher in your
pocket, and be d--d to you!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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