The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Durin a recent visit to New York the undersined went to see
Edwin Forrest. As I'm into the moral show bizness myself, I
ginrally go to Barnum's moral Museum, where only moral peple
air admitted, pertickly on Wednesday arternoons. But this time
I thot I'd go & see Ed. Ed has bin actin out on the stage for
many years. There is varis 'pinions about his actin,
Englishmen ginrally bleevin that he is far superior to Mister
Macready; but on one pint all agree, & that is that Ed draws
like a six ox team. Ed was actin at Niblo's Garding, which
looks considerable more like a parster, than a garding, but let
that pars. I sot down in the pit, took out my spectacles &
commenced peroosin the evenin's bill. The awjince was all-fired
large & the boxes was full of the elitty of New York. Several
opery glasses was leveld at me by Gothum's farest darters, but
I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho mebby I did take out
my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it round more than was
necessary. But the best of us has our weaknesses & if a man has
gewelry let him show it. As I was peroosin the bill a grave
young man who sot near me axed me if I'd ever seen Forrest dance
the Essence of Old Virginny? "He's immense in that," sed the
young man. "He also does a fair champion jig," the young man
continnerd, "but his Big Thing is the Essence of Old Virginny."
Sez I, "Fair youth, do you know what I'd do with you if you was
my sun?"
"No," sez he.
"Wall," sez I, "I'd appint your funeral tomorrow arternoon, &
the KORPS SHOULD BE READY! You're too smart to live on this
yearth." He didn't try any more of his capers on me. But
another pussylanermus individooul, in a red vest & patent
lether boots, told me his name was Bill Astor & axed me to lend
him 50 cents till early in the mornin. I told him I'd probly
send it round to him before he retired to his virtoous couch,
but if I didn't he might look for it next fall, as soon as I
cut my corn. The Orchestry was now fiddling with all their
might, & as the peple didn't understan anything about it they
applaudid versifrussly. Presently, Old Ed cum out. The play
was Otheller or More of Veniss. Otheller was writ by Wm.
Shakspeer. The scene is laid in Veniss. Otheller was a likely
man & was a ginral in the Veniss army. He eloped with Desdemony,
a darter of the Hon. Mister Brabantio, who represented one of
the back districks in the Veneshun legislater. Old Brabantio
was as mad as thunder at this & tore round considerable, but
finally cooled down, tellin Otheller, howsever, that Desdemony
had come it over her Par, & that he had better look out or
she'd come it over him likewise. Mr. & Mrs. Otheller git along
very comfortable like for a spell. She is sweet-tempered and
luvin--a nice, sensible female, never goin in for he-female
conventions, green cotton umbrellers, and pickled beats.
Otheller is a good provider and thinks all the world of his
wife. She has a lazy time of it, the hired girl doin all the
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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