The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"Fill it up with Showmen, sir! Showmen, is devoid of politics.
They hain't got any principles. They know how to cater for the
public. They know what the public wants, North & South. Showmen,
sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt their literary ability, look at
their posters, and see small bills! Ef you want a Cabinit as is a
Cabinit fill it up with showmen, but don't call on me. The moral
wax figger perfeshun musn't be permitted to go down while there's a
drop of blood in these vains! A. Linkin, I wish you well! Ef
Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I
scarcely think they'd sculp you; but ef you do the fair thing by
your country you'll make as putty a angel as any of us! A. Linkin,
use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and
firmly, and all will be well! A. Linkin, adoo!"
He shook me cordyully by the hand--we exchanged picters, so we
could gaze upon each other's liniments, when far away from one
another--he at the hellum of the ship of State, and I at the hellum
of the show bizniss--admittance only 15 cents.
1.32. INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON.
Notwithstandin I hain't writ much for the papers of late, nobody
needn't flatter theirselves that the undersined is ded. On the
contry, "I still live," which words was spoken by Danyil Webster,
who was a able man. Even the old-line whigs of Boston will admit
THAT. Webster is ded now, howsever, and his mantle has probly
fallen into the hands of sum dealer in 2nd hand close, who can't
sell it. Leastways nobody pears to be goin round wearin it to any
perticler extent, now days. The rigiment of whom I was kurnel,
finerly concluded they was better adapted as Home Gards, which
accounts for your not hearin of me, ear this, where the bauls is
the thickest and where the cannon doth roar. But as a American
citizen I shall never cease to admire the masterly advance our
troops made on Washinton from Bull Run, a short time ago. It was
well dun. I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time. My wife sed it
was well dun.
It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baldinsville at all
hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit danger, I
thought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower. Accordinly I put on
a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton. I went there to see
the Prints Napoleon, and not to see the place, which I will here
take occasion to obsarve is about as uninterestin a locality as
there is this side of J. Davis's future home, if he ever does die,
and where I reckon they'll make it so warm for him that he will si
for his summer close. It is easy enough to see why a man goes to
the poor house or the penitentiary. It's becawz he can't help it.
But why he should woluntarily go and live in Washinton, is intirely
beyond my comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that.
I put up to a leadin hotel. I saw the landlord and sed, "How d'ye
do, Square?"
"Fifty cents, sir," was his reply.
"Sir?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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